


It's Only Time

by thesalmondean



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-20
Updated: 2013-02-16
Packaged: 2017-11-19 02:42:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 37,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/568161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesalmondean/pseuds/thesalmondean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of snapshots and scenes providing a glimpse into the journey of the post-series life of Brian and Justin. ***COMPLETE***</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Irony

_**Summer 2005** _

Justin was gone. His presence or lack thereof, was evident all over the loft. Brian wondered if he’d be able to continue living there when everywhere he looked he saw Justin naked, Justin laughing, Justin rocking beneath Brian as they fucked…

When he’d declared his love out loud and finally, fully, allowed himself to feel the weight of it, it had been the most wonderful feeling; the most natural high; the most addicting drug he’d had. Immediately he had craved more of it and now that Justin was gone, off to pursue his dream in New York City, the withdrawals were painful and cruel.

The irony of this wasn’t lost on Brian.

The first night Justin was gone, Brian stayed in the loft, staring at the two rings he’d purchased for their wedding. The two rings that he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, return.

The second night Justin was gone, Michael showed up and dragged Brian to the bombed out shell of Babylon. It hadn’t taken too much prodding from Michael for Brian to decide to take the building off the market and rebuild…again.

The renovations of the club only took two months. This time Brian knew he wouldn’t need to create false buzz about the club. He heard people talking about it everywhere he went; in the street, and in the Liberty Diner, and in Woody’s. The entire gay community was dying to get back inside Babylon. It was infamous. The cynic in Brian found it disgusting, how people wanted to flock back to the site of death and destruction, but another part of him saw the revival of the club as a giant “fuck you” to those responsible for the bombing.

All the work Brian was doing allowed him to avoid missing the one person he wished was there to share in the journey. Well…mostly avoid missing him.

It was five weeks after Justin left before they talked to each other again. Justin had called a few times but Brian couldn’t bring himself to answer the phone, or call him back. He listened to the messages though; over and over. Particularly the parts where Justin said the three words that used to make Brian’s skin crawl but that now fueled his addiction, making his entire body warm and his cock rock-hard.

I love you.

Brian thanked whatever cosmic energy had created Justin. And he thanked that same cosmic energy that the tenacious 17-year old he’d randomly met one night all those years ago, had stuck around through all his shit, long enough for Brian to realize that maybe he did want all the same things he used to judge his friends for wanting for themselves; that he wanted those things with Justin.

When Brian was so overwhelmed by his emotions and so desperate for the sound of Justin’s voice in his ear, he finally called him. When the pain from the withdrawals were too much to ignore he picked up his phone. He was slowly realizing that he couldn’t ignore love, especially once declared, as easily now as he’d had in the past.

Waiting for him to answer was the worst part and when he finally heard Justin’s beautiful voice Brian started talking. He hadn’t thought there’d be anything to talk about, but he was wrong. He told him he loved him, and he missed him, and that he was reopening Babylon, and then again that he loved him, and that he missed him, and that he wanted to be inside him so badly.

Justin acted as if it was all new news for him, and Brian loved him even more for that. Of course Justin probably already knew all about Babylon. If Michael hadn’t told him during one of their Rage-development sessions, Linds would have told him.  In any case, the fact that Justin acted as if the news was fresh from Brian made his heart swell. Finally, Brian asked the question that would either make or break the next month of his life; would Justin come back for Babylon’s grand reopening?

The sweet sounds of his laughter were all the answer Brian needed to hear, and for the next hour Brian enjoyed the most intense phone sex he had ever imagined possible.

The night before the opening; the night before Justin was to fly in from New York, Brian dug out their unused wedding rings. He hadn’t looked at them since the night Justin left. Stroking the smooth, cool platinum he couldn’t help but grin. He knew now, now that he was feeling the anticipation of seeing Justin again; of touching him again; of running his fingers through his thick, blond locks; of fucking him hard, and gentle, and over and over again; Brian knew that he would marry Justin someday. He had no doubt about it.

Hell, he had the rings to prove it.


	2. Green Apples

_**Fall 2005** _

  _Where the fuck are the green apples?_

 Justin wandered the local corner grocery, getting anxious. For some reason the lack of green apples seemed to be a foreboding sign of the coming weekend. Which was silly. Justin knew it was silly. But he was so fucking nervous that all he could do was obsess over the damn apples.

 It had taken several weeks for Justin to coerce Brian into coming to New York to visit. Justin’s visit to Pittsburgh had been blissful. The reopening of Babylon was a success (of course), and aside from their nights out to the club, Justin and Brian had stayed at the loft all weekend. Fucking their brains out, or, as Justin thought of it, making love. He kept this to himself though, for fear of making Brian uncomfortable – he still didn’t like to refer to sex this way, and while they sometimes did it rough and tumble, they were now so familiar with each other that what they did could be nothing but making love; at least in Justin’s mind. Sometimes he thought Brian might think so too. Sometimes.

 Justin had long known, on some subconscious level, that Brian loved him. It wasn’t until he heard those three words for the first time though, that he realized how badly he had needed to hear them. How much he’d longed for it. He’d been in love with Brian for four long years, sometimes barely recognizing the feelings, and sometimes physically in pain from how strong the emotion was. But when Brian had finally said those three words to him - not once, or twice, but three times in a row…  Justin had thought his body would explode with the joy it brought him. He still warmed when he thought about it.

 Brian didn’t dole out those words casually – and he’s only said it a handful of times since the bombing but Justin didn’t mind because he knew Brian meant it; Brian Kinney never said anything he didn’t mean, and he never threw away words – especially those words – like some others would, and did.

 Leaving Pittsburgh and Brian, especially after that declaration, had been the hardest thing Justin ever had to do. Not because he was scared that Brian would forget about him, but because he was afraid he would forget about Brian.

 He didn’t think Brian would fall in love with someone else – no – he knew that there was no danger of that happening…what there was a danger of, in Justin’s mind, was Brian thinking his life was fine even if Justin wasn’t in it. Even though they were lovers, and in love. Justin couldn’t let too much time go by without seeing him; after everything he refused to lose Brian just because they had to live apart for a time.

 Plus, Justin _needed_ Brian to visit – to keep the feel, the smell, the sight of Brian from fading from his memory; and so he could remind Brian that his love, given quite reluctantly for most of their relationship, was not wasted or taken for granted by Justin.

 So, desperate to keep their relationship alive for both of them Justin threatened to withhold phone sex and any future visits to Pittsburgh until Brian reluctantly agreed to fly out for a weekend. Just thinking about him made Justin ache inside. He yearned for the feel of Brian inside him. For his hands to touch him, rake through his hair, trace the edge of his ear. For his tongue to trail down his spine to his ass.

 But he needed apples! And so Justin was on a mission. For green fucking apples. In all the years he knew Brian, green apples were the one thing that was a constant. They were in his office at Vanguard, in his office at Kinnetik, at his loft. Always a bowl of green apples.

  _Again, where the fuck are the green apples?_

 Justin soon found himself visiting his third grocer of the day; he was beginning to wonder if green apples were only sold in Pittsburgh.

 Just then his cell phone jingled with an incoming text message.

**On the plane. Will be thinking of you as I jack off in the bathroom. Solo mile high club.**

 Justin felt a stirring in his crotch. _Fuck._ He needed to get those god-damned green fucking apples!

 Beginning to panic, Justin scanned the produce at the grocery and was about to start cursing his luck when his eyes landed on a small bin of apples, mostly red, but with a small section that were green. Even though the store was void of any customers save him, Justin rushed to the bin, afraid they would disappear before he got there.

 Three apples. Well, it would have to be enough.


	3. 35

_**Spring 2006** _

And Brian thought turning 30 had been depressing.

He was now midway through his thirties and tomorrow when he woke up, he’d officially be closer to 40 than to 30. He was _old._ He could see it when he went out, and he could feel it when he worked out. Sure, he could still get any guy he wanted; mostly. The ones who did rebuff him were the ones who also had the fake ID’s. They were the ones who looked at him like he was a creepy old man. Not all of them, but the ones that did…well, it fucked with his head…

Most of the time Brian could, and did, forget his age. It was just a number after all. He still felt 25 and he knew that how he behaved, and most of the things he did, were on the same emotional level of a boy of 15. But he also felt his true age in a lot of ways. His fiscal responsibilities, and the fact that he ran his own fucking ad company. An extremely successful company at that. Hell, he owned a fucking club, too!

But when a cute, barely 20-something turned him down at Babylon it only drove home the fact that he no longer looked like most of the guys in the club. He looked _mature_. Though thankfully, not mature enough to have any gray hairs. The truth was Michael and Ben, Emmett, even Ted and Blake, had all long since stopped going to Babylon, save for special events. It might be related to the bombing, but Brian could see his friends leaving the club scene behind. They all still met at Woody’s for drinks occasionally, but everyone was moving on from Babylon. Brian had to wonder, aside from being the owner, why he was holding on to it so tightly. Half the time he went home alone and rarely did he go to the backroom anymore…

It was Justin. Babylon was Justin while Justin was away. One thing he could hold on too…

This year Brian had been hoping that Justin would be able to take a trip somewhere. Brian wanted to get the hell out of Pittsburgh for the weekend, and he wanted to get deep into Justin’s fine ass. It wasn’t to be, though. Justin couldn’t travel. He had some damned art show to prepare for.

Brian tried not to think that it’d been months since they’d seen each other. He recalled his words to Justin that last night, _it’s only time._ Still he was disappointed. He couldn’t help it. Each time he saw Justin it got harder to part ways. And the time between was unbearable. Days, weeks, months…all he could think about was the last time he touched him and the next time he’d get to touch him.  Sometimes he marveled at how he’d let himself get wrangled into love by the persistent kid. And he was still just a kid the first time Brian realized that he actually cared; that he realized the caring might go deeper than the surface.

He was older indeed.

He wondered if it’d be easier to just break things off completely…but then he’d get fearful. He couldn’t imagine his life without Justin in it. They’d been through too damn much together to just call it quits, and there’s no way Brian would ever find someone else who could deal with him the way Justin did. So Brian wished Justin luck on his show, and made his own plans to ignore his cursed birthday.

Since turning 30 Brian had managed to avoid seeing any of his friends or acquaintances on his birthday, and Cynthia knew better than to try and do anything at the office, before, the day of, or after the fact. She only made that mistake once. Birthdays were celebrations non-grata at Kinnetik.

Alone for the big THREE-FIVE. Brian holed up in the loft with his James Dean film collection stacked next to the DVD player, a recent purchase of high-grade pot, and two days worth of Chinese food on the coffee table. He turned off his phone and dead-bolted the door. No one would disturb him until this awful day had passed.

Fucking birthdays.


	4. He's The Artist

**_Summer 2006_ **

“I just can’t fucking believe it,” Justin was grinning into the cell phone, still in shock over the fact that he was about open his second art show in four months.

The first one, unfortunately held the weekend of Brian’s birthday, had been a rousing success. Justin, who would have rather spent an entire weekend in the country with Brian, was soothed of that loss by the fact that he’d made enough money to live for almost 6 months, just in that one show.

“Well you should believe it,” Brian’s voice purred through the phone and Justin felt his dick respond to his dulcet tones. “You’re fucking amazing.”

“God, I wish you were here,” Justin groaned, shifting on his feet as his dick swelled in size. “I want you inside me.”

“I know,” was all Brian said in reply. Justin heard his exhale and imagined him lying naked on his bed, cigarette on his lips.

“Tell me what you’re doing right now,” Justin scanned the crowd around him as he shuffled down the sidewalk, anxious to get back to his tiny one room apartment.

“I’m talking to you,” Brain dryly replied. Justin heard another exhale.

“Brian.”

“Well are you home yet?”

“Fuck, no,” Justin broke out in a jog, crossing the street against the signal and panting into the phone as he run up the three flights of stairs to his place.

“Are you there yet?” Brian asked in a sing-song voice.

“God! Yes!” Justin burst through his door, slamming it shut behind him as he threw his bag onto the floor, stripping of his clothes without care. His cock was so hard.

“Shit!” Justin yelled as he dropped his cell phone trying to pull off his pants. He heard Brian’s laugh and nearly came right then. Brian laughed so rarely – Justin treasured each time it happened.

“Don’t hurt yourself, Sunshine,” Brian growled as Justin picked up the phone.

“Just tell me how hard you’re fucking me,” Justin whispered, gripping his swollen cock in his free hand.

**********

“Congratulations.”

“These pieces are wonderful!”

“You’re an unbelievable talent.”

“You’re only twenty three?”

Justin accepted the compliments and accolades with grace. But he missed Brian. God, he missed Brian. They’d actually spoken on the phone three times this week alone…well, maybe spoken is too generous. There was some conversation, but mostly the greatest sex two men could have over the phone. Just thinking about it made Justin hard.

He wanted to get the hell out of this opening, and get home so he could call Brian. He ached for his voice in his ear. Glancing at his wristwatch Justin sighed. He had another several hours before he could make an exit without being rude.

_Shit._

Smiling warmly, Justin shook the hand of another admirer and tried not to count the minutes.

_Two hours later…_

“I knew it.”

Justin heard the voice behind him and for one split second his heart leapt in his chest. Just as quickly it fell and with it a cloud descended. Turning slowly to face him, Justin prepared himself.

“Justin Taylor. When I saw the posters for the show I wondered if it was you.”

Ethan Gold.

“Ethan,” Justin smiled as warmly as he could, but didn’t offer his hand to shake, or any other kind of greeting. “What are you doing in New York?”

“Playing a concert at Radio City,” Ethan grinned. Justin tried to ignore that he was just as cute as he’d been the last time he’d seen him. A few pounds heavier, but still fucking cute.

“Are you living here now?” Justin tried to sound disinterested even though inside he was screaming for the answer to be no. Justin really had no interest in knowing what Ethan was doing, or who he was seeing, or anything about him. It wasn’t that he was tempted, or even the least bit interested, but for as big a city as New York, it really was a small world. He didn’t want to know he could, at any moment, have another random run-in with Ethan. No, what he wanted was for Ethan to disappear.

“I live in Boston now,” Ethan shook his head, smiling like he knew what was going through Justin’s head. “How long have you been here?”

“Not quite a year,” Justin grabbed a glass of white wine off the tray of a passing waiter, offering no more details.

“I never expected to see you again,” He added, sipping.

Justin watched Ethan nod. He knew what the other man wanted to ask, he could read it all over his face. He was dying to know and God help him, Justin was bursting to tell.

“Brian’s doing well, too. He has his own incredibly successful advertising agency in Pittsburgh. We see each other almost every weekend,” Justin sipped his wine as he smiled lovingly thinking of Brian’s slim, muscular body. He didn’t let the little white lie get in the way; he also tried not to feel so elated at Ethan’s obvious disappointment.

“So you and Brian…,” Ethan trailed off.

“Oh, yeah. For years now. We’re getting married, too,” Justin blurted, immediately wishing he could take it back. Marriage was a little bit too big a lie – though not exactly false... “Not for a while, though.”

“All this with a man who refused to acknowledge your birthday,” Ethan smirked and Justin wanted to hit him. He had no right to say anything against Brian. He didn’t know him; he didn’t love him; he didn’t understand him. Brian was the most complicated person Justin had ever met; there was so much going on with him at any moment, so many idiosyncrasies and so much depth – Justin was still figuring him out almost six years later and he loved that about him.

“People change,” Justin replied coolly. Ethan’s smile faded.

“Hey, I didn’t mean anything by it.”

Justin nodded and sipped his wine as an awkward silence descended.

“I just wanted to stop in and see if it was really you,” Ethan looked around the gallery, which was packed with people. “I’d hoped…” Shrugging, Ethan smiled at Justin.

“Your art has really gotten good. I mean, you were always talented, but this is…”

“Is what?” Justin prompted him. He couldn’t help but be curious even as he wished he’d leave already.

“It’s inspired,” Ethan smiled sadly. “I’m just happy you’re happy, Justin.”

In that moment, Justin felt the finality to their relationship and he forgave Ethan for breaking his heart. In that moment, Justin gave up all remaining, lingering thoughts, feelings, and emotions regarding Ethan. He just let it all go. It was freeing.

“I am happy,” Justin smiled and the two young men held each other’s gaze. Justin knew this would be their final scene. The last time they’d lay eyes on each other. For Justin, it was a necessary step to finally end that chapter of his life. He hoped it was the same for Ethan.

Turning to leave, Ethan was stopped by an older gentleman gushing compliments about the rainy day painting that was hanging at the front of the gallery.

“Sorry,” Ethan smiled, nodding at Justin, “he’s the artist.”

And with a wink, he was gone.


	5. NYC

**_Fall 2006_ **

Another trip to NYC. He’d been three times now. This would make number four.

His flight was in four hours yet he wasn’t packed. He wasn’t showered. He wasn’t ready.

Brian went through this exercise every time he went to see Justin. He never wanted to go but he made himself do it yet once he was there, in the arms of his lover, he was happy and content and couldn’t remember why he didn’t want to go in the first place.

Every time.

He knew this, too. Yet still he would spend the hours leading up to his departure running through a list of doubts and frustrations. He wanted to see Justin – God did he want to see Justin! The phone sex, while great, couldn’t make up for the lack of physical contact. And Brian could only imagine Justin’s face on the body of nameless men so many times before it lost the effect. Still the distance, the traveling, missing Justin when they were apart...

To Brian it felt so…hetero. And it pissed him off. He’d lived his entire life in revolt of hetero relationships and now here he was, basically in one. Not that he didn’t want to be with Justin because God did he…he just wished it was different. Less like the breeders and more like the queers they were.

Brian could feel his life changing; his attitudes changing. He was half turned on by the excitement of it, and half resistant because he also wasn’t ready to relinquish his youthful freedom; even though he wasn’t so youthful anymore. Then there was Justin. He was youthful and a part of Brian didn’t want to be responsible for holding him back from experiencing life. Though if he were really fair he knew that in the few years since Brian had met Justin he’d lived enough for a lifetime. Maybe he was tired of the scene, permanently, and wouldn’t eventually find Brian’s presence a drain. Still – a part of Brian wondered, and feared.

Now though - Justin couldn’t wait to see him, a fact he’d told Brian about a thousand times since they’d planned this weekend visit last month. Justin had a new place he wanted to show off. The little shit was making good money now.

He was a true artist. An actual making money, gaining fame and notoriety artist. Christ, Brian was so damn proud. He wondered what it meant for them, though. Would Justin ever want to leave New York to come back to the Pitts? He couldn’t see why he’d want too. So then would Justin expect Brian to move Kinnetik to New York? The possibility had crossed his mind but it was still an expensive and dangerous move to make in the current economic climate.

No; they’d have to continue to live as they were – screwing over the phone until one or the other could travel. But Lord, it sucked. And not in a good way.

His cell phone buzzed then. He had three hours before his flight.

Brian smiled to himself as he took a drag off the cigarette that was hanging between his lips. Every time it came to this – he could never deny Justin anything – so he’d go to New York.

To see Sunshine smile was really all he needed.  


	6. Rage

**_Summer 2007_ **

_Fuck this shit._

Without a moment’s hesitation Brian walked straight up to the man behind the counter and stared at him until he looked up.

“Can I help you…,” the words faded on his lips as he saw Brian standing there.

“You remember me?” Brian growled, biting the inside of his cheek to keep from lunging across the counter and beating the shit out of him.

The look on his face was all the answer Brian needed.

**One hour earlier…**

Brian was at the diner. Michael and Ben were leaving the next day on a trip to Toronto to visit the girls, and Michael’s girl. They were incessant – chattering on and on about dolls and dresses and fucking who knows what. Brian was thankful he didn’t have a daughter; not that he wouldn’t have loved her because undoubtedly he would have, but he had enough trouble relating to Gus the older he got. He could only imagine if he had to try and bond with a daughter.

“There’s this great new boutique downtown that I want to check out; I want to get J.R. something really special,” Michael was beaming, and Brian resisted the urge to regurgitate his lunch.

“I have class this afternoon, otherwise I’d love to go,” Ben said, smiling at Michael as if he were the cutest thing he’d ever seen. Brian wished they’d both just stop already. They were like the damn lesbians and each time he saw them it seemed to get worse. Always holding hands and hanging off each other, making googly eyes across crowded rooms. At least Brian had the good sense to keep the majority of his romantic gestures, limited though they were, private and away from prying eyes.

“Disgusting,” Brian grumbled, stabbing a French fry with his fork.

“What?” Michael shot him a warning look and Brian just rolled his eyes.

“I’ll see you tonight,” Ben gave Michael a kiss and stood from the booth. “And don’t worry, whatever you get J.R. she’ll love.”

“Yeah, because she’s barely two. She doesn’t know the fucking difference between Cabbage Patch dolls and Barbeque Sauce,” Brian quirked his eyebrow at Michael as he stabbed another fry off his plate.

“Do you have to be such a dick all the time?” Michael said after Ben left, pulling out his wallet and tossing some cash on the table. “I just want to get my daughter a nice gift.”

Brian sighed inwardly. It was too easy with Michael, he took offense to everything and yet Brian still didn’t stop – he hated to admit it but he kind of enjoyed torqueing him off.

“For fuck’s sake, Mikey,” Brian threw a $50 on the table and followed Michael out onto Liberty Avenue.

“Let’s go to the baby boutique,” he lit up a cigarette and grinned sarcastically. “I’m all a-twitter. I can hardly wait.”

***

“One hundred bucks for a fucking pink sweater?” Brian practically threw the offending item across the room. “Was the fiber to make this shit out by unicorns?”

“Jesus Brian, would you shut the fuck up,” Michael slapped him upside the head.

“Okay mother,” Brian snarked as he moved towards the back of the store.

The boutique was just as Brian imagined, full of one-of-a-kind, overpriced baby things. None of the clothes in the store would fit J.R. for more than a few months. It was ridiculous for Michael to spend so much money. But then again, Brian spent quite a bit of money on some pretty ridiculous things…like that centerpiece bowl with the oversized, porcelain pills? What the hell had he been thinking when he thought that’d make nice décor for the loft?  Then there were the Armani suits, the Prada shoes, the Gucci briefcases…

And that was when he saw it. The perfect gift.

“Mikey! I’ve found it,” Brian stood next to a gorgeous, wooden rocking horse as he called across the small shop.

“Holy shit,” Michael was impressed and Brian felt a burst of pride. He knew how to shop, that was for sure.

“How much is it, though? And how would I get it to Toronto?” Michael examined the horse for a price tag and seeing none, left to inquire with the woman who had greeted them when they’d come in.

Brian stood by the horse, rocking it gently. His eyes traveled around the rest of the store, taking in all the items on the shelves, his mind naturally wondering how a boutique like this marketed themselves. Then he realized he was standing in a specialty store for babies and he stopped trying to envision a new campaign. Babies weren’t his area of expertise.

The bell above the door jingled and a man entered. He wore a button up shirt and tie, but no jacket. In his hands he carried what looked like blue-prints. Brian watched with growing recognition of him as he indicated the prints to the woman talking to Michael, then moved to the cashier stand where he spread the prints out across the counter.

“No fucking way,” Brian said softly, watching him, placing him. Hating him.  

_Fuck this shit._

Without a moment’s hesitation Brian walked straight up to the man behind the counter and stared at him until he looked up.

“Can I help you…,” the words faded on his lips as he saw Brian standing there.

“You remember me?” Brian growled, biting the inside of his cheek to keep from lunging across the counter and beating the shit out of him.

The look on his face was all the answer Brian needed.

“Look, I don’t want any trouble,” Chris Hobbs looked slightly pale-faced and panicked and for a moment that was enough for Brian. But the joy of seeing him react that way was short-lived; Justin deserved more than that.

“That’s funny,” Brian grinned his best sardonic grin, “really, you should take your act out on the road.”

“I’m sorry,” Chris Hobbs, face now flushed, said without an ounce of sincerity.

“I don’t care,” Brian spat back at him. “Do you even realize what you did?”

Chris Hobbs made no answer, and that enraged Brian further.

“Do you?” he practically yelled, causing Chris to jump.

“Brian, they can ship the horse to Toronto, isn’t that great?” Michael came up behind him.

“Look Mikey, it’s the fucking homophobe who bashed Justin’s brains in and then walked away scott-free,” Brian indicated towards Chris.

“Oh shit.”

“Yeah, shit,” Brian leveled his gaze back on Chris Hobbs, enjoying watching him squirm. The blood in his veins was ice cold from the hateful feelings he felt towards the asshole that had caused so much suffering for so many.

“Is everything okay?” the woman who had been helping Michael came upon them. She held in her hand an invoice, likely for the rocking horse.

“Everything’s fine, hon,” Chris Hobbs replied, seeming to grow some balls in her presence.

“Is this your wife?” Brian asked, noticing a ring on Chris’ finger. “Is this your store?”

“Yeah. So?”

“Chris, who is this?” the woman looked concerned and for a brief moment Brian felt sorry for her. She had no idea who she’d married.

“Lady, your husband is a gay basher,” Brian leaned over the counter, focusing his eyes on her, “Look it up. Saint James Academy Senior Prom, May of two thousand one. You’ll see.”

Her eyes were large and blue, and they made Brian think of Justin. She held his gaze for a moment before shooting her husband a concerned look. Chris Hobbs once again appeared panicked. Brian felt a brief wave of satisfaction, but he could also feel his restraint weakening. He was afraid of what he’d do if he had to stare at that smug bastard’s ugly face any longer.

“Let’s go, Mikey,” Brian stepped back, shooting Chris Hobbs one more piercing glare. “You two have a _wonderful_ day.”

“Uh, so do you want the rocking horse?” the woman called after them, her voice wavering, as they headed towards the door.

“No fucking chance in hell, lady,” Brian called back, slamming the door behind him.


	7. A Christmas Story

_**Christmas 2007** _

“It’s too bad this isn’t a longer flight,” Brain whispered into Justin’s ear, the tip of his tongue flicking the spot that drove Justin crazy.

“It’s too bad this isn’t a bigger plane,” Justin replied before dodging another ear kiss. His jeans were already uncomfortably tight, and Brian’s caresses weren’t helping matters.

“Stop it,” Justin laughed, gently swatting away Brian’s hand as it crept slowly up his thigh. Out of the corner of his eye Justin saw a woman who was sitting across the aisle from them turn to look, her eyes widening as she raised her novel up to hide her face.

“I just can’t help myself,” Brain’s mouth was back on Justin’s ear. “It’s been over a month you know.”

Justin was perfectly aware. Aside from a brief, public reunion at the airport in New York when Brian’s flight from Pittsburgh had arrived, they hadn’t been alone yet. Justin was dying to put his hands all over Brian, and apparently Brian felt the same way about Justin but couldn’t (or wouldn’t) wait and wasn’t taking into account their audience.

“Are you excited?” Justin grasped Brian’s hand and snuggled into his shoulder, trying to distract Brian from sex; as if that were really possible.

“I thought it was obvious,” Brian stuck his tongue in his cheek as he guided Justin’s hand to his swollen crotch.

“I meant about seeing everyone,” Justin pulled his hand away and swatted Brian’s knee, laughing once more.

“I’m breathless with anticipation,” Brian replied dryly, throwing his head back against his seat and looking out the window.

They were on their way to Toronto for Christmas. Mel and Lindsay had invited everyone for this year’s holiday which meant a full house with not only the lesbians, Gus, and J.R., but also Michael, Ben, Hunter and of course Debbie and Carl.

“Well I can’t wait to see the kids,” Justin threaded his fingers through Brian’s once more, “especially Gus. I wonder if he’ll remember me.”

“Who could forget you,” Brian replied with a bit more sarcasm than he’d intended.

“Be nice,” Justin lightly elbowed Brian in the stomach.

“It’s been awhile. And he’s only seven,” Brian added. “Don’t expect too much.”

Justin sighed. Brian would never admit it, but he was terrified Gus wouldn’t remember him, his own father. He’d been up to visit a few times since Mel and Lindsay had moved, but he had been even less of a presence in Gus’s life than he’d wanted, and Justin knew that. He imagined being a long-distance father was even harder than being a long-distance lover. Gus had been supposed to spend a week with Brian earlier in the year, but he’d gotten sick and the trip had been cancelled. Brain never admitted his disappointed out loud, but Justin had heard it in his voice when they’d talked on the phone.

The older Gus got, the more Justin could see Brian wanting to be more a father and less a guest appearance in his son’s life. He wished he could do something to make things easier – he wished he could convince Mel and Linds to go back to Pittsburgh. It wouldn’t happen, though. Both women had found incredible success in Toronto, and the kids were very happy.  Justin sighed inwardly.

“Well Lindsay told me he can’t wait to see you,” Justin said with a grin.

“I’m sure,” Brian replied, his tone subdued and his expression impossible to read.  

* * *

“Daddy!”

Gus’s voice, unmistakable, echoed.

“Fuck,” Brain murmured.

“I told her not to come,” Brian added, smiling across the baggage claim at Lindsay as Gus waved and took off towards them, weaving through the waiting, hovering crowds.

Justin just smiled though he too felt guiltily disappointed.

Glancing at Brian, Justin saw the annoyance that had colored his face slowly melt away as his son came up and wrapped his arms around his waist.

“Guess he remembers you,” Justin whispered into Brian’s ear.

“Shut the fuck up,” Brian softly teased before pulling Gus off him and leaning down to pick him up.

“Sonny boy! You’ve grown,” Brian tousled Gus’s wild brown hair before he pulled him into a hug.

Gus looked more and more like Brian the older he got and watching them together Justin felt an overwhelming amount of love for them both. He looked back to Lindsay who was now walking towards them when he noticed the same woman from the plane watching them and smiling widely. When she saw Justin looking at her she turned away quickly, but then looked back and smiled again. Justin returned a smile and nodded.

“I told you not to come,” Brian admonished as Lindsay came upon them. He lowered Gus to the ground. Justin smiled at Gus as he looked back at him curiously.

“Gus couldn’t wait to see you,” Lindsay smoothed her son’s hair before she followed his gaze. “You remember Justin?”

Shrugging, Gus smiled shyly up at Justin.

“Hi Gus,” Justin said to the little boy, trying not to feel hurt that he didn’t get the same hello Brian did. Then he felt guilty for feeling that way. He wasn’t his father. There was no real reason that he should get such an adoring hello.

“We used to color together sometimes. When I was real little,” Gus said suddenly, as he stared intently at Justin.

“Yeah, we did,” Justin grinned. He glanced at Brian and saw him beaming at his son. It only made his aching groin swell more. God, he wanted to put his hands all over him, put his mouth all over him; let Brian fuck his brains out.

“Shall we go?” Lindsay grasped Gus’s hand and started towards the exit.

Brian and Justin followed Lindsay to the house in their rental car. Brian had tried to convince Lindsay to let them stop at the hotel first so they could drop their stuff (and so they could have a quickie to alleviate both their extremely uncomfortable and aching cocks), but Lindsay (and Gus) had been insistent that they come over right away. It seemed as though Brian and Justin would have to wait even longer to be alone.

Everyone else was already at the house when they arrived, and it was a whirlwind of hugs and kisses and chatter – mostly from Debbie and Mel, and mostly directed to Justin. None of the Pittsburgh crowd had seen Justin for nearly a year because even though Justin made occasional trips to see Brian, that’s what they were; trips to see Brian.

Gus, bored with the adult chatter and obviously noticing Brian’s lack of involvement in the conversation, spirited his dad away – dragging him by the hand up to his bedroom chattering on about all the drawings he’d been doing and excited to show them off. Justin hoped Brian would take pause and enjoy spending one on one time with his son.

When it was time for dinner, everyone crowded around the dining room table. Brian shifted his chair as close to Justin as he could, letting the length of their thighs rest against each other. Justin played along, leaning into Brain’s shoulder and occasionally letting his hand drop underneath the table to stroke Brian’s noticeably swollen cock. Dinner was a cacophony consisting of Debbie insisting everyone eat more more more; J.R. screaming and throwing things at Gus; Hunter and Carl talking college football; and Mel and Lindsay rushing back and forth to the kitchen. Only Michael and Ben were as quiet as Brian and Justin. Likely they wanted to be alone as well.

Chaos ensued when Jenny Rebecca managed to throw the entirety of her dessert at the wall, splattering raspberries down the off-white paint and distracting everyone except Brian and Justin. Taking advantage of the moment, Brian grasped Justin’s hand and dragged him quickly from the house. Outside the door, Brian rubbed his crotch against Justin as he pressed his mouth to his, opening his lips and letting his tongue dance around with Justin’s.

“We’re going, and I don’t give a fuck what the munchers say,” Brian panted as he pulled away. “Go get in the car.”

Turning back to the house, Brian disappeared inside. Justin went to the car, cold and shivering. Ice was beginning to form on the windshield. A few minutes later Brian reappeared, their coats in hand.

“You felt sick,” Brian shrugged as he tossed their coats in the backseat and started the car, blasting the heat which until the car warmed up simply blew cool air on them. “Mel was more than happy to excuse us from the rest of the evening’s festivities, whatever the hell they are.”

“Thank God,” Justin groaned, his hand gripping the inside of Brian’s thigh as he leaned over and gave him another open mouthed kiss.

“I don’t think I can wait much longer,” Justin whispered, his lips against Brian’s.

They barely made it into the hotel suite before the bags were tossed aside and forgotten and they were tearing clothes off each other, heedless of romance or foreplay. Breathless and anxious, Brian turned Justin against the hotel door and in one swift motion slid on a condom and slid into Justin.

Fifteen minutes later they were on the bed, arms and legs wrapped around each other as their hands and mouths moved over one another. The initial need satiated, they were now ready to take it slow; and slow they did – all night.

The following day Brian and Justin took Gus out. Lindsay had given them a list of ideas for things to do with him around Toronto. The museum, the zoo, ice skating – all things he loved. They settled on the zoo. It was cold out, but not unbearably, and Gus was excited to see the Polar Bears. Brian showered Gus with anything and everything he wanted – cotton candy, hot chocolate, a polar bear hat and matching stuffed animal. The three of them wandered the zoo, sometimes Gus between Brian and Justin holding their hands, sometimes Gus wandered ahead of them in which case Brian and Justin would hold hands. For Justin, it was the first time that he and Brian had ever been out, alone, with Gus. Like as his parents. Justin had spent plenty of time with Gus in the company of other people, and a few times alone with Brian at the loft but never out like they were now. It was nice. In fact, Justin found himself wishing it wouldn’t end. That instead of taking Gus back to Mel and Lindsday’s, he and Brian could take Gus back to their home…but then he realized they didn’t have a home. Justin had his apartment in New York City and Brian had his loft in Pittsburgh. They were lucky to see each other once every other month, let alone have a home to share together.

A profound sadness washed over Justin as he realized how much he still wanted so many things that he wasn’t sure Brian really wanted or would ever want. Marriage; a home; a family of his own… He was content with things as they were for now, but Justin could feel a seed of restlessness being sown and it scared him. He couldn’t live his life like this forever…but how long could he wait?

Brian was quiet too, most of the day. He was attentive to Gus and unusually affectionate towards Justin but Justin couldn’t tell what he was thinking…and that made him nervous.

After they dropped an exhausted Gus off at Mel and Lindsay’s that night, they rode back to the hotel in silence. They didn’t talk, but Brian did reach out and grip Justin’s hand, slowly stroking his thumb across the back.

Back at the hotel, Brian headed straight for the shower, shedding his clothes as he made his way through the suite. Justin followed behind, simultaneously collecting Brian’s clothes while taking off his own. Depositing the pile of clothing onto the bed, Justin joined Brian in the shower.

“Today was a lot of fun,” Justin broke the silence as he ducked his head under the stream of hot, steamy water. He hadn’t realized how chilled he was from being outside all day until the warmth of the shower hit him.

“Yeah,” Brian replied as he lathered up Justin’s back with the “designer” soap that had come with the room.

“Gus is amazing,” Justin said, closing his eyes as Brian’s hands gently massaged his back and shoulders.

There was no answer from Brian as he continued to wash Justin’s back.

“Hey,” Justin turned to face him, taking the soap from him. “Talk to me.”

Brian just shrugged.

“Bri-,” Justin started but was cut off by Brian’s mouth on his, tongue forcing its way in, the kiss hungry and aggressive.

Justin dropped the soap and reached his arms up to grab at Brian’s head, meeting his advances with his own hungry appetite and momentarily shelving the talk they obviously needed to have.

Christmas went off without a hitch. The kids were thrilled, especially Gus. He was showered with more gifts than a seven year old could ever know what to do with but to his credit he was more interested in being near Brian.  Justin watched the two of them over the next few days. Gus would sit next to Brian, look for his approval with anything he said or did, and the way he carried himself mimicked Brian as well. It was going to be heartbreaking for both of them when Brian and Justin had to leave.

The night before their flight back to New York Brian was once again unusually quiet on the drive back to the hotel. This time he didn’t reach out for Justin’s hand, though.

* * *

There were tears; Mel and Lindsay, Gus. Even Justin teared up, watching with the girls as Brian tried to pull away from Gus. The poor kid was nearly in hysterics he was so upset over Brian leaving.

“I’ll see you soon sonny boy,” Brian said, his voice thick with emotion and Justin’s heart ached. It wasn’t fair for either of them and Justin felt irrational anger towards Melanie and Lindsay for taking Gus away. That wasn’t fair either, but it was the only place Justin could direct his emotions.

“Gus,” Brian, who was on his knees with Gus’s tiny arms wrapped tightly around his neck, looked up at Lindsay for help.

“Gus, let daddy go,” Lindsay pulled him back and with Brian’s help they managed to untangle the strong arms of the little boy.

“I promise,” Brian leaned down and placed a kiss on Gus’s head, “I’ll see you soon.”

Justin waited, knowing the words were there, wanting to be spoken. He willed Brian to be strong enough and brave enough to say it.

Pressing his cheek to Gus’s head while his hands ruffled the same brown hair that adorned his own head, Brian looked pained for a moment before he closed his eyes and whispered, “I love you sonny boy.”

Without waiting for a response and without looking back, Brian picked up his carry on and headed towards the security line. Justin met the teary-eyes of Melanie, Lindsay, and Gus and with a warm smile he turned and followed Brian.


	8. I Love You, But...

_**January 2008** _

"I have to cancel," Brian was on the phone, sitting in his office at Kinnetik, about to lose one of his top accounts over another scandal involving a model.

"What about our plans? Do you know how hard it was to get these reservations?" Justin was obviously less than pleased on the other end of the line.

"I'm about to lose my biggest fucking account," Brian was weary. He didn't have the patience to deal with Justin's neediness. "And if I do, you can kiss my visits to New York goodbye forever."

"Jesus Brian, don't be so fucking hyperbolic," Justin hissed through the phone and Brian sighed sadly.

 

****

After spending Christmas in Toronto, Brian had felt emotionally distressed and very confused. He had never thought he would feel so heartbroken leaving Gus behind and he had never thought he'd feel like a creepy old man stealing Justin's youth away but after that trip, he felt both – and strongly.

Brian was in deep – there were too many people in his life he loved too much and the pain of that love hurt him. He missed the carefree days of his twenties when all he cared about was who and where his next trick would be and while he and Justin still had their "arrangement", he was pretty sure Justin didn't do much fucking around. Not that Brian necessarily wanted him too, but knowing he was in that huge city, a city that never went to sleep, pining for Brian and wanting things that Brian still didn't know he'd ever be willing or able to give...well, the guilt it stirred in him was entirely new and awful and Brian hated every moment of it.

Justin had always wanted marriage, a home, and a family, Brian knew that. Now though, Brian couldn't help but feel like he was forcing Justin to give up on the things he wanted in his life. Brian knew he could get married. Hell they almost had – but the reason for it hadn't been right. He could see it being right eventually...he just had no idea when that might be and it wasn't fair to make Justin wait. To make him spend his prime years with a much older man who at times still behaved like a petulant child.

Oh yes. Brian knew his behavior at times was unquestionably immature. And he was trying to be more mature...but years of bad parenting and selfish habits were hard to break overnight. When Justin first came into his life is when Brian noticed things beginning to change. A fucking 17-year old had to show Brian how to truly care for another human being.

Well, Justin, and the birth of Gus.

Brian had watched Justin and Gus over the days they were in Toronto. He saw plainly on Justin's face how much he loved that kid and Brian knew inside he was questioning whether fatherhood would ever be in his future. Brian could easily imagine marrying Justin, and sometimes Brian could even imagine them raising a child together. But he also loved his freedom too much and as horrible as it made him feel a very, very small part of him was glad to leave Gus with the lesbians and get back to his life.

God, he was a horrible man, lover, and father.

After spending New Year's in the city with Justin - with a noticeably uncomfortable awkwardness between them - Brian had returned to Pittsburgh resigned to let Justin go in hopes that he would meet someone who could (and would) give him everything he deserved. Brian wasn't sure it would work...Justin was stubborn. But he had to try.

 

****

"Justin," Brian started, almost choking on his name. This would be harder than he'd thought, and Brian hated himself for what he was about to do.

"Brian," Justin said back, his tone angry.

They'd had these plans for Valentine's Day set since last October and Brian knew he was being a shit. But he had to be; the work emergency was real, but this also gave him the opportunity to do what he'd been planning to do for several weeks.

"I can't do this anymore," Brian said, trying to betray as little emotion as possible.

"You can't do what?" Justin asked slowly, and Brian could hear fear and hesitation in his voice.

_Shit._

"This. What we're doing right now. You're missing out on getting the things you want because of me," Brian paused, taking a deep breath, "because I won't, give them to you."

Silence.

"I don't know if I ever will be able too," Brian added.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Justin's tone was now panicked, "We can reschedule our plans."

"It's not just the plans. It's everything. You deserve more than what I will give you," Brian paused to take deep breath.

"So don't call me because I won't pick up. Don't knock on my door because I won't answer. Don't write me because I won't read it," Brian felt his eyes pricking with the threat of tears.

"I love you, but this is it."

"Stop it Brian, this isn't funny," Justin now sounded on the verge of hysterics. "All I've ever wanted was you. Anything else is just extra. Please, Brian."

"I'm sorry," Brian said, hanging up the phone even as he heard Justin calling his name. Disconnecting the land-line from the wall, he pulled his cell from his pocket and turned it off too.

It was done. So why didn't he feel any better?

**_April 2008_ **

The first few weeks after their last phone call, Justin tried calling him several times a day. Brian easily avoided the calls and erased all the messages without listening to them. As time passed the calls came less often. Then one day they stopped. The women in Brian's life, Mel, Linds, Debbie, Jennifer, and Daphne all attempted to reason with Brian about what he'd done. But he shut them out too, refusing to talk to them if they brought him up. Michael, who had never really warmed to Justin, didn't say anything and a part of Brian resented that his best friend didn't try at least once to reason with him over his decision. But with the way Brian had treated the advice of his friends over time, it really wasn't that surprising.

And for awhile he felt okay.  

By the time Justin had stopped calling, he was all Brian could think about. He wondered if he was dating, or with someone, or in love again. He regretted his decision while at the same time he felt it had been the right thing for him to too. And while his regret won out most days he was far too prideful and stubborn to ever change his mind; not that he wanted to change his mind. He really felt he was right. Justin deserved to be with someone his own age, who would give him all the things he wanted. But damn if Brian didn't miss him. Miss kissing him. Miss fucking him. Miss holding him after. They fit together so well. The rough and tumble awkwardness of one-night stands had lost almost all of its charm for Brian.

One night in early April, several weeks after the last call from Justin, Brian came home after a long day of meetings to find Daphne sitting on his stoop. She looked upset and fear immediately gripped Brian.

"What happened?" He asked before she could say anything.

"There was an accident-," Daphne started and Brian felt his legs go weak beneath him.

"Is he okay?" Brian interrupted, panicked and ready to sprint all the way to New York City if he had too.

"No! Oh God. Justin is fine. It's Molly," Daphne reached a hand out and grabbed Brian's arm.

"Fuck, Daphne!" Brian fell against the side of the building, the aftershocks of adrenaline making him feel faint.

"I'm sorry!" Daphne put her hands to her face.

"Molly? What happened." Brian slid down the wall until he was crouching on the balls of his feet. Daphne sat back on the steps of the stoop.

"Car accident. It's pretty serious. She's in critical condition with internal injuries. They aren't sure if she'll make it."

"Is he there? At the hospital?" Brian asked, staring out into the empty street.

"Yes," Daphne replied, her one word answer was all that Brian needed to hear.

Brian stood slowly, offering his hand to help Daphne up.

"Let's go."

 

****

Daphne dropped Brain off before she went to park the car. Navigating the halls of the hospital, Brian was reminded of the two significant times he’d been there; Gus’s birth and Justin’s bashing.

Rounding the corner and coming up on the ICU, Brian stopped short as he saw Justin, alone, sitting in one of the hard-backed chairs with his head in his hands. Brian’s heart raced and he hoped that something hadn’t happened in the time that Daphne came to get him. He couldn’t see Justin’s face, so he moved forward slowly, trying to read the situation though there were no clues. Glancing around, Brian didn’t see Jennifer anywhere, and oddly that was comforting. Surely if something had happened to Molly, she wouldn’t leave Justin alone.

Brian was about 10 feet from him when he sat up suddenly. His face was blotchy and Brian could see he’d been crying. In that moment Brian was thrust back in time, remembering when he sat in a similar hard-backed chair while Justin fought for his life in the same ICU where Molly now was. A wave of emotion came over him as he recalled the desperation and helplessness he’d felt; what he was sure Justin felt now.

That was when Justin saw him.

Brian watched as a range of emotions crossed Justin’s features. His eyes widened in surprise as his mouth quirked in an attempt at a smile. Then his expression cleared and Brian saw the disappointment and hurt he’d inflicted. Then his eyes fell, the lines of his face smoothed, and Brian saw only the need for comfort.

“How is she,” he crossed the last bit of distance between them in three large steps, sinking into the chair next to Justin and grasping one of his hands. They were ice cold.

“No change. Still unconscious and still fighting to live. They won’t tell me anything else,” Justin spoke softly, both his hands grasping at Brian’s. He’d have to pry Justin’s fingers apart to get his hand back, but that was okay.

“What happened?”

Justin shook his head and looked at Brian with a bitter smile.

“She was driving to meet her friends at the movies when some asshole ran a red light and t-boned her on the driver’s side of her car.”

“Fuck,” Brian whispered, glancing down the hallway that led to the rooms where the ICU patients were.

“How’d you-,” Justin started, but Brian cut him off.

“Daphne.”

“I wanted to call you,” Justin said after a short silence.

Brian just nodded. Justin wanted to call him but he knew Brian wouldn’t answer. Fuck.

“I’m sorry,” Brian said, using his free hand to run his fingers through Justin’s hair; to cup his cheek; to smooth away his tears.

“Sorry’s bullshit,” Justin said, his tone mocking.

Brian wanted to laugh at his trademark saying being thrown back in his face, but he didn’t. Justin was right, sorry was bullshit – but not when the proffered apology was for something he was actually guilty of.

“Besides what the hell are you sorry for? For being a complete asshole once again, or for what happened to Molly? Because you're only responsible for one of those things,” Justin replied.

Brian heard a bitter anger in his tone and knew he deserved it. He was a right shit to Justin, and he wondered if he’d ever learn how to just be normal, to treat people in his life like normal.

“Justin -,” Brian started but the younger man just shook his head.

“You can’t keep doing this to me,” Justin said, his eyes welling up again. “You push me away, you pull me back, you push me away, you pull me back. I’m not a fucking yo-yo.”

“I know,” Brian said quietly, wondering how he’d ever thought it was a good idea to push Justin away to begin with.

“You need to talk to me. Tell me what’s going on with you because that’s what partners do. They talk. They deal with shit together. Freezing me out was a shitty thing to do. All I want to do is be with you and be there for you.”

“I know,” Brian repeated.

“I can’t-,” Justin started, but then stopped suddenly. Brain saw the blood drain from his face and his eyes were fixed on something over Brian’s shoulder. Turning to see what had elicited such a reaction from Justin, Brian felt his own brand of shock at the sight of Craig Taylor walking down the ICU hallway towards them.

“What the fuck…,” Brian turned to look at Justin, his free hand back at his hair, his face, his neck. “Are you okay?”

“I haven’t seen him since he had me arrested outside his store,” Justin murmured. “I didn’t even know he was here.”

Brian heard the ICU doors swing open and he could feel the stare of the homophobic, bigoted asshole behind him. He kept his eyes on Justin though, taking his cues from him, following his lead. Brian wanted nothing more than leap up and beat the shit out of the man, but he held back. It was hard to do.

“How is she?” Justin asked. He was still looking over Brian’s shoulder. There was a long silence, and Brian could see impatience clouding Justin’s expression.

“How is she?” he repeated, more forcefully.

Brian turned in his chair and leveled his gaze on Justin’s father, channeling his inner-Rage to try and make the man answer the damn question. Craig only stared, his eyes moving between the two of them as his expression betrayed his obvious anger and disgust. Brian was sure Craig never thought he’d see Justin with him again. He almost felt a perverse pleasure at what he must be thinking seeing Brian sitting there, holding Justin’s hands in his.

“Answer the fucking question you piece of shit,” Brian spat at Craig and he did feel a moment of glee when the man flinched at his words.

“They say she’ll be okay,” he replied stiffly, talking to them as if they were strangers. Brian had never been close to his father, but he knew how hard Craig’s rejection had been for Justin and so watching the man treat his son so despicably even now, Brian felt physically ill. He hadn’t hated anyone so much since that fucker Chris Hobbs had bashed Justin in the head.

It was in that moment, too, that Brian realized how he’d treated Justin, both recently and over the years, was really no different. He had been the fucker; the abuser; the basher. It was a harsh realization to come too. Brian never wanted to be included in the company of Chris Hobbs or Craig Taylor – but he had treated Justin terribly, so many times. He promised himself he would stop. He would be cognizant of his behavior, and treat Justin how he deserved.   

Turning his gaze back to Justin, Brian saw relief colored with sadness and disappointment in his face.

“Good,” Justin moved his eyes to meet Brian’s and without warning, he leaned in and placed his mouth on Brian’s. Brian had missed Justin’s touch and he responded immediately to the kiss, pulling Justin to him and moving his tongue, trying to taste as much of him as he could. They were like that for several minutes before they pulled apart. Justin laughed when they did.

“He’s gone,” Justin said to Brian’s questioning look.

Sure enough, when Brian looked back Craig Taylor was gone.

“I don’t think I’ll be seeing him again,” Justin said sadly.

“I’m sorry for that, Sunshine,” Brian meant it, too.

Justin nodded, smiling slightly at Brian’s use of his nickname. The two men looked at each other for several minutes. They said nothing out loud, yet an entire conversation seemed to pass between them.

Brian knew in that moment that Justin was irrevocably a part of his life. And having that realization was both comforting and life-changing. He felt himself, in that moment, transform from the Brian Kinney he was before. He felt renewed, and he was anxious to see where this new Brian would go – with Justin at his side of course.

“I love you, Brian, more than anything else in my life; I have for a long time and I’ll put up with a lot but God help me, you do this shit to me one more time and that is it. Forever,” Justin leveled his blue eyes at him and Brian felt a fear more potent than any he’d felt before, seize him.

“I understand.”


	9. What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?

_**New Year’s Eve 2008** _

It was quiet in Justin’s small (but spacious for NYC), candlelit apartment. Brian slowly thrust his hips, pushing deep and feeling the soft, full swell of Justin’s ass against him. Beneath him Justin moaned while his hand grasped blindly at Brian’s upper thigh, gripping him tightly with each deep push Brian made. As he felt himself nearing orgasm, Brain threaded his fingers in Justin’s while quickening his pace.

Justin squeezed Brian’s hand tightly as they came together and after, as they lay side by side, Brain ran his fingers through the long blond hair of his young lover. He loved Justin’s hair, he found he couldn’t stop touching it whenever they were together. The soft fibers were like silk in Brian’s fingers. After the touch and feel of Justin’s lips, getting his hands in his hair was the thing Brian missed most when they were apart.

Outside the apartment, Brian heard faint yells and screams echoing through the alleyway of Justin’s building. Glancing sideways at the bedside clock, he saw that the new year had arrived.

“It’s two thousand and nine, Sunshine,” Brain pressed his nose into Justin’s ear and inhaled the scent of his peppermint shampoo. 

“Happy New Year,” Justin turned to face Brian, his lips fluttering across Brian’s face leaving soft butterfly kisses and a burning trail of sensation that caused a stir in Brian’s cock.

Stretching his long, thin body out Brian rolled on top of Justin, wrapping his arms around his head and burying his face in the crook of his neck. His fingers absently played with the blond locks of hair that were wildly out of order after their evening of fucking.

“You’re home to me,” Brian whispered, pressing his body as close to Justin as he could. He never felt more comfortable or content or safe then when he was naked and in bed with Justin. It had taken him a long time to get used to the closeness, the dependency he’d developed on having the kid around, but he had and now it was nearly vital to his survival.

“Brian,” Justin whispered so softly it was almost inaudible. But Brian did hear, Justin’s warm breath tickling his ear. Brian heard the joy in the simple way he said his name and his heart skipped a beat. He would never be a true romantic but when he had his moments he enjoyed how it would catch Justin off guard.  It was becoming something of a game to try and shock him with random romantic remarks and gestures.

Smiling, Brian nibbled at Justin’s neck while his fingers carded through his fine, blond hair.

Justin’s arms held Brian close, nearly as tightly as Brian held on to him. He hated shit like this, but for some reason with Justin it was okay. But only with Justin. He only ever kissed Justin, and he would only ever hold Justin. He had no desire to do either with any other person on this earth. And that scared Brian, but also empowered him. He loved Justin; he’d finally said it and he’d keep saying it, so there really was nothing left to do but show it. Sometimes Brian struggled with that, but times like this when they were alone and basking in the afterglow, it came so easy.

In the months since Molly's accident and his (what felt like) 1,000th reunion with Justin, Brian had experienced a sort of revelation. He'd felt himself age emotionally, and significantly. He suddenly found himself less interested in going out to Babylon every night, and he started to rely more heavily on his employees to run the club. He didn't feel the urge to frequent the baths as often either, and found that once or twice a month was enough to satisfy the random urge he might feel for a nameless, faceless, fuck.

He was finally starting to feel his age, and not in a bad way, and not physically, but mentally – emotionally. He was maturing. It was quite startling. He first noticed it when, after Justin had left for New York, he'd visit Michael and Ben. He would feel an odd yearning for something similar. It took him a nearly a year to fully recognize the feelings and to identify them.

He never told Justin that he was "growing up". He was certain it was obvious.

The biggest problem was that Justin still lived in New York and wasn't in a position to leave and Brian was still in Pittsburgh, not really in a position to leave, either. The fact that they still lived so far apart was the one thing that kept Brian from taking things to the next step. Again.

“Happy New Year,” Brian murmured as he felt himself drifting off to sleep, content to stay in bed with Justin forever.

_**New Year’s Day 2009** _

They had breakfast delivered, and ate it in bed.

“I’ve realized what it is that I want,” Brian blurted out. They sat naked, cross-legged and facing each other, empty Styrofoam containers with bits of eggs and toast littering the space between them.

Justin raised his eyebrows and grinned, looking pointedly at Brian’s dick.

“Yes, but I’m being serious,” Brian tilted Justin’s chin up then cupped his head in both hands, holding him so he couldn’t look away.

“I want you with me, every single day. I want to wake up with you in the morning, I want to kiss you goodnight every night. I want to fuck you anytime, anywhere.”

“I want to marry you,” Brian added.

“Brian, we tried this once already,” Justin said softly, his hands on Brian’s thighs, kneading the thick muscles.

“This time is different,” Brian shook his head, working hard to keep from spewing forth any and every emphatic statement of love and adoration that had crossed his mind in the last few months. And there had been a lot of them.

“This is for me,” Brian smiled crookedly and felt his heart skip a beat when Justin broke into a grin of his own.

“It’s what I want. It’s what would make me happy,” Leaning forward, Brian pulled Justin to him, settling him into the crook of his shoulder. The food containers spilled onto the floor with their movements.

“It’d be icing on the cake if it made you happy too. Because you know I’ll do anything for you. Making you happy makes me happy.”

“Shit, Brian,” Justin sighed, burying his head in Brian’s chest. Brian felt his hot breath and his lips, softly kissing him.

“I’m afraid things will turn out how they did before,” Justin sat up and met Brian’s gaze.

“Last time we rushed things. I thought I was ready but the reason was wrong,” Brian brushed Justin’s hair back from his forehead, letting his palm rest on Justin’s cheek. He stared into Justin’s eyes, feeling such an overwhelming sense of love that he almost burst into tears.

“I _know_ I’m ready now,” Brian whispered, pressing his lips softly to Justin’s.

“I _know_ the reason is right,” he added as he pulled back.

“No rush this time,” Brian stared into the deep pools of Justin’s clear blue eyes. He could see that he wanted to say yes. He could feel it in the way he held on to him, and the way he kissed him. Hell, he knew Justin had wanted to marry him pretty much since the first night they’d met. So much had happened since then, and they both had screwed up so many times but now he was determined. He knew what it was he wanted, and that was to have Justin there with him, always.

“So, what do you say?”

“It’s all I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember,” Justin’s eyes shone.

“Of course I’ll marry you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to post this yesterday...but the day got away from me. I tried really hard not to make this too mushy or overtly out of character. But now that the characters are three years past what we saw on the show I figured there had to be some growth. I hope you'll all forgive me the mushiness! Happy New Year dear readers! Thanks for reading!


	10. 26

**_March 2009_ **

“Surprise!”

Justin was indeed, surprised. He knew how Brian felt about birthdays. His opinion about that hadn’t changed much since Justin had known him. He had gotten a bit better at trying though. After a few years of little to no celebration, Justin had finally put his foot down and declared that he wanted a bit more attention on his birthday; it was important to him to celebrate life. They’d had a small argument over it, mostly because Brian was stubborn. The argument had ended with them in bed, though, and after that, Brian had tried; as much as Brian could try. Each year was a little better than the one before and Justin loved Brian for the effort.

 “Oh shit,” Justin laughed with true surprise as he looked around the room at all the gathered faces of his friends and family. His mom and Tucker, Michael, Ben, Hunter, Emmett, Ted, Blake, Debbie, Daphne…he even saw Melanie and Lindsay. Not to mention many of his close New York friends. His heart swelled.

“What the fuck did you do?” Justin grinned and gently punched Brian in the stomach.

“Happy Birthday, Sunshine,” Brian smirked, his eyebrow quirked. He lowered his mouth to Justin’s, taking a minute or more to tease him with his tongue. Justin vaguely heard the room full of people cat-calling and whistling at their display.

Justin couldn’t remember having a more spectacular birthday party; music, dancing, the most amazing cake. But the gift of all his friends and family in one place was the best part of it all; he was only slightly disappointed not to see Gus and J.R., but as Mel told him that night, she and Linds were only there for a day and they weren’t comfortable bringing the kids into the city just yet, certainly not for so short a visit. She promised they’d all come back together in the summer and make a real trip of it; then she rattled off a list of sight-seeing destinations that had Justin dizzy with exhaustion just listening to it.

Later, when Justin learned that Brian had paid for everyone to travel to the city the love he had felt for him for the past nine years, grew even larger.

***

“And now for the first part of my gift,” Brian presented Justin with a small, sleek envelope wrapped with a deep blue satin ribbon. Justin eyed it and Brian suspiciously before he took it, gently pulling open the flap.

He stared at in for a long moment, stunned.

“No way,” he finally whispered, a grin spreading across his face as he looked into the smirking, self-congratulatory face of Brian.

“What! What is it, honey?” his mom prompted, grinning as well.

“Two First Class tickets to Ibiza,” Justin shuffled through the various papers that he’d pulled out of the envelope. In addition to the tickets there were hotel vouchers, spa treatments, and invitations with guaranteed admission to the hottest night clubs there.

“I owed you the trip,” Brian stuck his tongue in his cheek and Justin laughed knowingly.

“The travel dates are open-ended. We can go whenever you’d like,” Brian added, moving around and draping his arms down Justin’s chest.  Turning his head to Brian, Justin’s free hand touched Brian’s cheek and traced his jawline as their lips met.

“It’s about fucking time,” Daphne’s voice carried over the quiet group and both Justin and Brian laughed as they pulled apart.

“Thanks Daph,” Justin reached a hand out and gently tapped his best friend’s shoulder.

“And now, Sunshine, here’s part two,” Brian pulled his lips into his mouth as he pulled a large, flat, wrapped gift from behind the table.

“Part two?”

“There are many parts,” Brian whispered in a conspiratory tone.

Justin eyed Brian skeptically, turning his gaze to the very large, flat gift that was now leaning against the front of the small table. Raising his eyes once more he took in the sight of what appeared to be a nervous Brian. Justin had no idea what could possibly be wrapped up to make him act so strangely. Brian Kinney never acted unsure…then again, Brian had only recently started giving out meaningful birthday gifts to the people in his life so…

Giving Brian one last curious smile, Justin crouched down and tore the wrapping paper, starting in the upper left corner and pulling across the width of the gift. As the paper tore away and what was beneath was revealed he felt his breath catch in his throat and his eyes immediately prick with the sting of tears.

He could vaguely hear all the guests behind him whispering with admiration.

“Holy shit, Brian,” Justin sat back on his rear, taking it in.

A few seconds passed before he felt Brian’s hand on his neck, his lips against his ear.

“You like it?” he asked, and Justin could still hear some apprehension in his voice.

“Fuck,” Justin sighed, “yes.”

“I love it,” Justin shook his head with awe as his eyes moved across the images before him. He’d never seen them like this before, and his memory traced each one. Images flew through his mind as he remembered where he was, what was happening in his life, and who he was with, for each one. Most importantly though it was an illustrated roller-coaster ride of his relationship with Brian, playing out before his eyes.

“Mikey helped steal them for me,” Brian added, moving to sit next to Justin, placing a kiss on his cheek as his hand stayed at Justin’s neck, gently massaging and fingering the fine hairs there. For Justin, this simple gesture had become the symbol of their relationship and it was how he knew things were okay; that he was safe, and that he was loved. The simple touch meant so much to him and he hated to disrupt it but he had too as he slowly turned his head to find Michael in the crowd behind them.

“Thank you,” Justin smiled, and Michael nodded.

Justin turned back to the gift. Leaning against the table before him, framed in sleek, heavy wood and protected beneath a plate of non-glare glass, was the original artwork for every Rage comic-book cover that he’d illustrated thus far – the complete run of Rage: Volume #1. The complex arrangement of the 14 comic covers was complimented by the rich, dual-layered matte that really drew your eye to the drawings and made the action within the art really pop.

“Can we see?” Lindsay hovered behind Justin, her eyes searching greedily at the gift.

Laughing, Justin started to stand but Brian hopped up more quickly and reaching down he pulled Justin up and into his arms, planting a hard, heavy kiss on his lips.

“The rest of your gift you’ll get from me after everyone leaves,” Brian whispered into Justin’s ear, biting the lobe before releasing him with a grin that made Justin ache to feel him inside him.

“It’s all yours. Look away,” Brian grinned as he and Justin moved away from the crowd and to the back of the room.

They watched as Lindsay picked up the large piece and set it gently on the table, resting it against the wall so everyone could see it more clearly.

“God, Brian,” Justin wrapped his arms around Brian’s waist and nestled into his shoulder. “It’s so fucking gorgeous.”

“It’s all you **,”** Brian shrugged and Justin smiled to himself.

 “It’ll look fabulous in the new place,” Brian added, smirking at Justin.

Justin knew that was a not so subtle reminder that he was on a deadline to make a decision about New York. Brian had told him it was okay if he wanted to stay there – that they could postpone the ceremony until Justin was ready to leave the city. Justin appreciated Brian saying that, and he knew that there was no pressure. Well, no pressure except that which he was putting on himself. He desperately wanted to marry Brian, and start their lives together but he was still in love with New York. He knew he wasn’t ready to leave yet and that was his conundrum. He didn’t doubt Brian would wait for him, but a part of him felt it extremely unfair for him to ask him to wait…

“We don’t have a new place yet,” Justin poked Brian in the ribs and the older man gave a barking laugh.

“We will,” he whispered with a teasing tone.

Justin watched his friends and family examining the artwork and gushing over his talents. He smiled as Michael started exclaiming all his favorite storylines from the various issues.

“Well we can’t tell them about the wedding until we know when you’re coming home,” Brian bit at Justin’s ear again, causing another twitch at Justin’s groin.

“Soon,” Justin reached up and pulled Brian down to him, tenderly kissing him before slowly inserting his tongue and teasing him with it.

“I promise,” Justin added, winking at his partner as Lindsay came over to them and interrupted by pulling Justin away.

Justin felt only slightly guilty that they hadn’t shared the news of their commitment with anyone, yet. But after what had happened last time, it was safer this way, and the last thing either of them wanted was to be hounded by everyone for the date. A part of Justin was still scared that it would all disappear – after all, it was secret. If it ended no one would ever know it had even existed in the first place. That was scarier than the possibility of announcing it, then breaking it off after the fact, like they’d done before. But Justin also knew if they told everyone that Brian would bear the brunt of the pressure, and he couldn’t sick them all, especially Emmett, Debbie, and his own mother on him like that.

Glancing back once more at Brian, Justin felt his heart leap in his chest. Brian stood there, arms crossed over his chest, the shadows in the apartment illuminating his strong jaw and chin. His gaze was fixed on Justin and his expression was…wistful? Peaceful? Content?

Happy.

 Justin sighed inwardly.

No. This time it would work out. This time they were both ready and as Brian had said when he’d proposed, the reasons were right this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I am assuming Justin was born in the spring of 1983. Based on a few pieces of evidence given us in the show. He turned 18 late season 1 (after ep 14) which timewise was probably early 2001 – the episode aired April 1). In Season 2 his birthday episode aired May 12, and the episode prior to that one talked about Spring Break (usually in March), so I'm putting Justin's birthday in early April. Feel free to correct me if you think my estimate is wrong! Thanks for reading!
> 
> A lovely reader pointed out to me that Ben and Justin share a birthday, and that Ben mentioned he's a Pisces, which would put Justin's birthday in March. So, I've updated the story to reflect that! :)


	11. Britin

**_November 2009_ **

**~Justin~**

Justin wasn’t quite sure what kind if a man he'd be now if he hadn't met Brian that night outside Babylon. He’d be different…but how? So many things that had happened to him were directly or indirectly a result of knowing Brian, and all of those things both good and bad had formed him. Where would he be now, had he not met Brian that night?

When he thought about that night he wondered at the fearlessness of his behavior. He had been scared, but that fear had not been paralyzing, rather it had been empowering. Not knowing what would happen next, the entire new world he was introducing himself too; it had been intoxicating. That night he had decided it was time to take control of himself, of his choices, and his life and when he’d met Brian everything had changed forever.

Everything important in his life after that night had involved Brian. Every memory he had from the last nine years revolved around Brian, or involved Brian, or the strains of Brian could be felt. It made sense. He had, after all, been in love with Brian for the last nearly ten years of his life. It really wouldn’t be long before he would have known and loved Brian longer than not.

Over the years Justin had thought back to that time and occasionally wondered if it really was love he had felt those first few weeks of knowing Brian, or if it was simply lust that had driven him to practically stalk the older man. He had been 17 and horny as fuck, so lust certainly played a part. Really though, the more he thought about it the more he was convinced it had to have been love because even after the crappy way Brian treated him in the beginning, Justin simply couldn’t, and wouldn’t, stay away from him. He was certain had it just been about the sex that he could have found that somewhere else, and for a lot less hassle and abuse.

Part of his obsession and love for Brian had stemmed from the mysterious allure that he constantly exuded, particularly when Justin first knew him. Brian had kept everyone at arm’s length, though Justin could see through his façade pretty easily. He tried not to let on, because he learned very quickly that the façade was protection.

Brian was casual about everything yet fiercely loyal. He was unapologetic, and quite experienced. He was an enigma. Undefinable. This and more made Brian an intoxicating and addicting drug to Justin and so he had hovered, and bothered, and insinuated himself in Brian’s life until he had become a part of his life.

Even now he was continually surprised by Brian, learning new things about him, discovering new facets to him that before had been hidden. His façade was still there, though slowly crumbling under the gentle care of Justin.

Now, nine years later, Justin found himself packing most of his things, preparing to begin a real life with the man he loved. They were planning a future together and this time it felt _right_. It felt natural. It felt really real.

Not like before…

His things packed for the next five months, Justin gave one last look around his place. It had never felt like home, though the giant framed art piece hanging over his couch, the Rage cover art, a gift from Brian, had definitely helped. And as bittersweet as it was to be leaving New York for the next several months he couldn’t be too sad because he was finally going home, to Brian.

**~Brian~**

In the end he simply couldn’t sell the loft. Even though they would no longer be living there, Brian couldn’t let it go. There was too much history. Not just with Justin, but with Michael, and Lindsay, and Gus. There were too many memories that could too easily be forgotten if the space were abandoned. Additionally, Brian couldn’t stand the idea that some set of fairy queens might domesticate the place. It was too beautiful, clean, minimalist and modern a space and it deserved to remain as such. Anyway, Brian could afford to keep it.

Not all the memories in the loft were good, but the bad ones too served their purpose. They were a strong reminder to Brian of mistakes he’d made in the past, ones he’d strive to hopefully never make again.

So the loft would remain theirs. Ready and waiting for the nights they spent out, too tired or intoxicated to travel to the their new home on the fringes of the city.

Brian paused halfway through closing up his suitcase.

Their home.

The loft had always been where he’d lived but it had never felt like home. Really, he didn’t care where they lived he was just ready to be with Justin as many nights and mornings as he could. He was ready for their time apart to end.

Still it was strange, leaving.

Brian was never one to accumulate possessions and so everything he owned and planned to take to the new place fit into three large suitcases. It was mostly Armani and Prada, along with his personal hygiene products. Everything else would stay in the loft for use when they came back from time to time. They could afford to buy new, and Brian had a feeling Justin, with his artist’s eye, would enjoy having free reign to decorate.

Brian took one last walk through the loft, the movie in his mind replaying scenes from every surface and from every angle that he and Justin had fucked on. Not one corner of the loft was free of that particular christening. Now though, it was time for new memories; there were new rooms and surfaces and corners waiting to be christened.

With one last look around, Brian hoisted his bags and left the loft, slamming the door shut behind him.


	12. 39

**_May 2010_ **

“You know you told me once you’d be dead before you turned 39,” Michael smirked.

“Yeah, well, who knew I’d actually grow up,” Brian replied dryly.

“I knew you would,” Michael laughed, “eventually.”

They were sitting at the bar at Woody’s. It was their night out. Twice a month the guys got together to have drinks and catch up. If the mood was right they’d head to Babylon, but lately they’d been skipping out on that. It had become more of a hassle to try and manage from the new place outside the city so Brian had sold the club; besides which, he hated spending his nights away from Justin, and Justin was less than interested in going to Babylon every night. When it was sold, and after the new owners had taken over, it had lost much of its charm for the group.

Brian and Michael were alone at Woody’s this week, though. Emmet had cancelled last minute, Ted was out of town with Blake, and Justin was in New York for some emergency art thing. It was alright, though. It was nice having some one on one time with his best friend. Brian really couldn’t remember the last time he and Michael had sat alone and talked without Ben, or Hunter, or Debbie, or Justin, or Emmett or Ted or some combination thereof, being there too.

“Happy Birthday,” Michael held out his beer. With a resigned sigh and a roll of his eyes, Brian raised his glass of scotch and toasted to turning another year older.

The aging process wasn’t as terrifying for Brian as it used to be. He still didn’t like getting older, but he was aging quite gracefully and would boast to anyone who listened that he could still easily pass for under 35. He was lucky. He had no gray hairs, no bald spots, no wrinkles, no flab. He worked hard to look good and it showed. Brian tilted back the glass and emptied it, his eyes shifting to Michael.

Michael hadn’t been so lucky in the gray hair arena; his temples were slightly salt and peppery. It looked good on him though, and he wore it well. He was also starting to sport a little bit of extra weight around the middle. He was still cute as hell, but he looked 39. With an air of superiority Brian grinned and sat his empty glass on the bar top, motioning to the bartender for another.

“When does Justin get in?” Michael sipped his lite beer and Brain bit his tongue to keep from laughing or saying something regarding Mikey’s choice of drink. The last time Brian had made of fun of his lite beer he’d earned two weeks of the silent treatment. According to Ben, Mikey was very sensitive about his small-framed physique, and Ben had strongly encouraged Brian to “stop making comments about Michael’s weight” or he’d make him stop. He’d been polite about it, of course. The professor was always polite. So Brian was obliging. It was hard though. Still, Brian supposed he shouldn’t make fun. After all, he’d be less than thrilled if he started graying and gaining weight and his friends made note of it each time they saw him – which he knew they would. He knew they were simply waiting for that first imperfection to show; they would be merciless to him after that.

“Later tonight,” Brian replied, picking up his newly refilled drink and taking another sip.

“Finally,” Michael teased and Brian rolled his eyes. Mikey was still such a dork.

“Yeah,” Brian answered.

The arrangement they’d agreed too, after Justin had come back in the fall, was that they’d split the year between New York and the Pitts. They had spent more than a few nights not quite arguing about how they would split their time. Finally they agreed that Justin would stay in Pittsburgh through September, utilizing the natural summer light they got at the new house to work, and from September through March Brian would go to New York with Justin and he’d work from there, out of a small office space he’d set up. That had been the plan, anyway.

It was starting off a bit rocky with Justin having to go back to New York for some sort of art emergency, whatever the fuck that meant. He’d been there for two weeks and the night before when they’d been on the phone he had promised to be back for Brian’s birthday. Not that Brian really cared. He still would rather ignore all birthdays, especially his own, but he was going crazy without Justin and desperately needed release. He’d pretty much stopped fooling around, though he hadn’t told anyone.

Occasionally he’d go to the baths for a quickie blow-job if he needed immediate release, but now more than ever the only one he wanted touching and kissing him was Justin. It was strange to think that he – Brian Kinney – no longer fucked around. It was even stranger to say it out loud – which he’d done once when he was alone. Practicing for the day when he’d tell Justin.

He didn’t really know what Justin did when they were apart, and a part of Brian was terrified of trying to change “the rules” - so he kept silent and didn’t ask. He never smelled or sensed anyone else on Justin though, so Brian didn’t think he was still tricking, but…

“Hunter coming for the summer?” Brian asked, not really all that interested in the answer but wanting to move the conversation away from Justin and desiring to get his mind off the fact that he hadn’t caressed his lover’s perfect little ass for near two weeks.

“No,” Michael visibly deflated, “his residency starts next week in Philly. He’ll be staying there for the summer. Doctors don’t get much time off.”

“Doctor Hunter, the littlest hustler. You sure he isn’t just working the street again?” Brian said nonchalantly as he took another sip. When Michael punched his shoulder, Brian offered a barking laugh along with a quirked eyebrow.

“I’m kidding.”

“Yeah, well it’s not funny,” Michael narrowed his eyes at Brian.

Shrugging, Brian turned back to his drink, his eyes moving to mirror above the bar, scanning the crowded bar behind him. The guys were looking younger every week, and Brian wondered with a fleeting sadness how much longer he, Michael, Emmett, and Ted would continue going out to the bar, even if it was only twice a month. Everyone had a partner now, so their reasons for going out to Woody’s really didn’t exist anymore…

Fuck it.

Knocking back the rest of his second scotch, Brian set the glass upside down on the bar.

In the mirror, a flash of bright yellow hair caught Brian’s eye and he sat up a little straighter, searching. Then Brian saw him, weaving through groups of shirtless men, a gentle smile on his lips. His heart beat quickened with surprise, but Brian didn’t turn around. Instead he watched Justin maneuver through the crowded bar in the reflection of the mirror. He saw every man Justin passed turned to look, and it tugged at Brian’s groin to know he was now with the most desirable man in the place.

Brian had noticed he didn’t get the same level of attention that he used too when he was Justin’s age, and he had let it bother him for about a week before he ordered himself to get over it. What did he care?  He had what he wanted with Justin, why did he need to be desired by other men?

This was the first time he’d witnessed first-hand the effect Justin had on the place, though, and a part of him was insanely jealous but at the same time extremely proud because though everyone might want him, Justin wanted only Brian.

Their eyes met briefly in the mirror as Justin wrapped his arms around Brian’s midsection from behind and buried his face in his neck, breathing him in.

“Hi,” he looked up and his blue eyes flashed mischievously.

“Hi yourself,” Brian deadpanned.

“Told you I’d be here,” Justin said softly, grinning.

“Yeah, you did,” Brian smiled back and all the disappointed faces watching from the crowd behind them weren’t lost on him.


	13. I Do

**_June 2010_ **

They’d kept the secret of their impending commitment to each other for just over a year. They’d decided that until they could be together full-time, it’d be a waste to have a big ceremony and thus there was no need to tell everyone. Not yet anyway.

It hadn’t been hard for Brian to keep quiet; he had never been one to share the intimate details of his life and his friends had long since stopped trying to ask him. As far as anyone knew, it was business as usual for Justin and Brian and their two city juggling act.

For Justin though, it had been much harder. Unlike Brian, Justin was used to sharing the details of his life with his friends, specifically Daphne, and his family, specifically his mother. Not telling them had been hard, and so many times he’d found himself moments away from slipping, just to catch himself in the nick of time.

Just after Brian’s birthday, and just after Justin had moved back to Pittsburgh permanently, everyone heard the news.

Justin had made a name for himself and had ascended the ranks of the art world rather quickly. He no longer needed to be in the city to make his art and to stay relevant. People knew of him, and people knew of his art. His pieces always elicited extreme emotion from those who saw them. He’d never spoken about his art, his process, or his motivation, but before he left New York for good he gave an interview to Art Forum magazine. There, he’d talked about why his art was so powerful. He laid bare his past and talked about the bashing, his father, the bombing, and Brian. He said a lot about Brian.

He said they were soon to be married.

The interview, given in April, wasn’t published until the July issue of the publication and Justin, moved and settled into the new house with Brian, had forgotten all about it and all about what he’d said.

And then his mother had called.

_~Jennifer~_

Jennifer Taylor got her mail that day like she did every other day. She shuffled through the bills and the junk and smiled when she saw the magazine with her son’s name on the front cover. His first cover article! She was so proud. She fixed dinner for herself and Molly, and not until Molly had retreated to the living room to watch LOST did Jennifer open up the magazine. She let her eyes travel over the beautiful images of her son’s paintings. She took in the color and the shape. After she’d admired her son’s tremendous talent, she read the article…

…then promptly yelled out loud before grabbing her cell phone and speed dialing her son.

She didn’t know what she would say to him, she just knew she was furious and ecstatic at the same time. As soon as Justin answered she was rambling about how happy she was, crying loudly as she laughed with joy, and angrily insistent that this time he and Brian would not get away with cancelling the ceremony the day before. She would not let them.

It took Justin a few minutes to realize what his mother was going on about, but when he did realize he felt his heart sink. Brian, who was perusing another kind of magazine on the sofa next to him, glanced at him with his quirked eyebrow and Justin smiled wanly.

“Shit. I’ll have to call you back, mother,” he said quickly before hanging up on her sniffling.

“That wasn’t very polite,” Brain said, his eyes back on the pages of the rag in his hands.

“Brian…,” Justin trailed off, the tone of his voice apologetic. When Brian looked back up at him, Justin grinned widely, “uh, I have to tell you something.”

Lindsay was the next to call, Brian’s phone ringing mere moments after a remorseful Sunshine had broken the news that the whole art world knew they were, for all intents and purposes, engaged.

_~Lindsay~_

Lindsay’s copy of Art Forum was usually a few days late, delivery to Canada delaying its arrival just enough that she always felt just slightly out of the loop when dealing with her U.S. art contacts. It frustrated her, but there wasn’t much she could do about it.

She didn’t know but when Gus grabbed the mail, which included the recent issue of Art Forum, she was actually getting it the same day as most of the United States subscribers. She didn’t see the magazine until after the kids went to bed, though.

Gus, in traditional fashion, stuffed the mail into his backpack after he picked it up and, in traditional fashion, promptly forgot about it as soon as he walked into the house. Not until Lindsay unpacked his bag looking for his lunch sack to clean and repack for the next day did she find the stack of mail.  She felt the weight of the magazine and immediately tossed the smaller envelopes aside, grinning madly at the cover of the magazine. She remembered Justin calling her to ask what she thought about him giving an interview. She’d been for it. No press was bad press, and she really believed that Justin could only benefit from telling his story. No one would be able to resist his works, which stood on their own anyway, after reading about what he’d gone through in his youth.

Melanie made them tea, and together they settled on the sofa to read through the article. Together the women laughed and cried as they relived, through Justin’s words, the last ten years. They were only a few paragraphs from the end when they read it.

“Shit,” Melanie whispered as Lindsay tossed aside the magazine and reached for the phone.

Brian sighed and rested his head against the back of the sofa.

“I’m sorry,” Justin rubbed his face, “I’d totally forgotten I’d said it.”

“Well, I guess we’re off the hook for having to tell people ourselves,” Brian said softly as he felt his cell phone vibrate in his pocket.

Tossing the nudie-rag to the coffee table, he pulled out the phone and flashed it in Justin’s face.

“And so it begins,” he groused, standing and flipping open the phone.

Lindsay, though excited and happy like Jennifer had been, was far more upset then Jennifer had been. Brian was her best friend, aside from Melanie. He was the father of her, their, son. The person she relied on most outside aside from Mel. She was offended, insulted, and hurt that he hadn’t told her the news herself. That she’d had to “read it in a fucking art magazine”; that she “didn’t rate any higher than the average joe in getting such important news”.

Brian let her rail at him for a good five minutes before he gently, gently for him anyway, told her that she was all those things to him, too, and that it was a mistake. Of course she would have been one of the first to know when they’d decided to tell people. He leveled his gaze on Justin as he talked...blah, blah, blah. Brian didn’t even remember half of what he’d said to calm her down. All he knew was that he certainly didn’t want to go through this with everyone.  

Daphne called next, alerted by Jennifer who had called to non-to-gently ask if she’d known. Jennifer had been secretly relieved that she hadn’t known, but Daphne had been pissed because as Lindsay was to Brian, Daphne was to Justin.

_~Daphne~_

She let the words sink in for a good ten minutes after Jennifer had hung up. She couldn’t believe Justin and Brian were attempting marriage, again. She had always assumed it’d happen again one day, but she’d also assumed that she’d be in on it from the start. Not hearing about it like this. She really couldn’t believe that her very best friend – the man she’d given her virginity too – hadn’t told her in person. That she’d had to hear it from his mother, who had read it in a fucking magazine?

She had to sit for several more minutes to cool down before she could call him. She didn’t want to say something she’d regret later. Justin was still her very best friend and it was good news, but damn if Daphne didn’t feel hurt and broken-hearted about how she’d heard.

Brian was still on the phone with Lindsay when Justin’s phone rang in his hand. He wasn’t going to answer, assuming it was his mother again but when he checked and saw Daphne’s name he changed his mind. Daphne was his Lindsay, and if Linds was this pissed with Brian, Daph would surely be just as pissed at him.

Moving to the opposite side of the room Justin answered and like Brian had just done, he let Daphne express her disappointment, and anger, and hurt feelings to him uninterrupted. And like Brian had just done, Justin then spoke gently to her, trying to convey the sincerity of his apology and trying to make her understand that it was all a big mistake. She accepted his explanation, but Justin could tell she was still hurt. He couldn’t blame her. It was shitty, what he’d done and how this was all happening. The most important people in their lives were reading about the best news of their lives in a fucking magazine.

Brian was off the phone when Justin hung up with Daphne, who was now crying happy tears, and the two men just looked at each other in silence before their phones began ringing once more. 


	14. Scrabble

**_January 2011_ **

The only board game Brian ever played was Scrabble. He was really good at it too and though Justin might have scored a 1500 on his SAT’s he really had to work hard to keep up with Brian when they played together.

The games usually took place on the floor. Brian would stoke up the wood-burning fireplace in the large front room of their home and with a bottle of wine next to them Brian and Justin would stretch out on the plush carpet in front of the fireplace, the glow from the fire the only illumination in the room. Brian usually turned on the jazz station and for the next several hours the two men were in competition for the high score. It was incredibly brainy, and sexy, and Justin loved it.

Their games had become more than just something to pass the time, though. There was something at stake for winning; the winner got to have their way with the loser. When Brian would win it would mean a blindfold and handcuffs or rope, and sometimes a soft, leather whip. When Justin would win it would mean Brian as the bottom. Justin always tried so very hard to win and though he couldn’t prove it, sometimes he got the feeling that Brian intentionally lost.

Sometimes they would play strip Scrabble – each word played that scored over 30 points would mean the other player had to take off an item of clothing. Those games usually were never finished.

Tonight though, Brian seemed off; distracted; anxious; and Justin found himself almost 100 points ahead half-way through the game. In his mind he was planning all the things he would be doing to Brian later, certain he was on course to win the game. But he was slightly distracted by Brian who, for being so far behind, acted unconcerned.

Justin played, earning another 15 points, than he waited patiently for Brian to take his turn.

The next word Brian played gave Justin more pause. Brian had seemed almost unwilling to set the letters on the board, even though the word gave him near 50 points. Justin stared at the word and at Brian, but the other man wouldn’t meet his gaze. The letters seemed to glow and rise up from the board…

_Monogamy_.

Justin continued to stare, distracted by the unspoken meaning of this word. Did Brian play it on purpose? Was it simply coincidental? Was he trying to say something? It was unlike Brian not to just speak his mind, but then again, something like monogamy which Brian had spent his entire adult life protesting…it wasn’t like he would suddenly and happily open up and shout any intentions he might have for anyone to hear – even Justin. Making his intentions known in a game, a literal game, was a pretty typical Brian thing to do.

Justin felt his pulse quicken as these thoughts crossed his mind and suddenly, all the two and three letter words Brian had been playing up to now made sense.

Justin had wanted nothing more than to be monogamous with Brian since the very beginning – since that first night he’d met him. Then, after Ethan, he’d finally learned to accept and understand that Brian’s fucking around didn’t mean he didn’t love Justin. Or that what he and Justin did was not just fucking, though at the time Brian would never have used any other word to describe his sexual activity. In his head though, Justin only called it making love.

It had even been fun for Justin for a time, to fuck around too. But Justin, as much as he tried to suppress it, was a hopeless romantic and the tricks and nameless, faceless fucks quickly lost any and all enticement for him. He really understood why Brian needed to do what he did, but Justin also realized that it wasn’t something he needed any more; and Brian became his only sexual partner and had been for the last five years.

Brian though…

Justin wasn’t really sure what, if anything, Brian still did. He didn’t ask, because he really didn’t care. As long as Brian was safe and came home to him, and as long as he never lied, Justin was willing to let their near-decade old “understanding”, stand. Even after their wedding, they hadn’t discussed this particular thing, other than to reiterate that they were each still free to do what they pleased.

It hadn’t been lost on Justin though, that Brian no longer went out, not even on the weekends, unless Justin suggested it. Each and every evening when he left Kinnetik he came straight home, save the bimonthly Woody’s meet-up with the rest of the gang. So unless he was still fucking his potential clients or heading to a bath house on his lunch break, Brian had likely stopped tricking too. Justin felt some shock at the thought and wondered why he hadn’t realized it sooner.

_Were they being monogamous without actually having ever talked about it?_

The meaning of this impacted Justin more than he’d expected. The thought that he was the only one Brian let touch him that way meant far more than almost any other declaration the older man could make, because in all the time that Justin had known Brian that was the one thing that had defined him – his unapologetic, sexual freedom.

_Shit. This was big._

“Are you going to play?” Brian asked quietly, disrupting Justin’s thoughts.

No longer concerned about winning the game, Justin quickly surveyed his letters and grinned when he saw he had the two he wanted. Building off the “Y” of Brian’s word, Justin played his letters, adding six points to his score…

_Yes._

Brian met Justin’s look with a slight quirk of his eyebrow and a silly smile. With a wave of relief that he’d not misunderstood Brian, Justin leaned forward on his elbows and placed a soft kiss on Brian’s lips.

Staring into the eyes of his husband, Justin grinned. In that one moment, communicating only through words in a board game, he and Brian had taken another step forward.

Who would have ever thought they’d end up here?


	15. Miss Independent

**_April 2011_ **

Daphne’s cousin was getting married. Since her parents had retired and moved to Arizona, she really had nowhere to stay when she came back to Pittsburgh for the ceremony. She could have gotten a hotel room, but when Justin heard she was coming to town he immediately insisted she stay with him and Brian.

Glad to get some one on one time with her best friend, Daphne accepted happily. She hadn’t really seen or talked to Justin for any significant amount of time since the night before he and Brian’s wedding, and she was dying to get the scoop on married life. Not that she thought it was likely much different than how they’d been living before, but still…she was slightly obsessed with Brian and Justin’s relationship. Not that she would ever admit to anyone how much the two men being together affected her. It worried her sometimes that she was more concerned with Justin’s happiness then her own, but then again, he was her best friend and with all the shit he’d lived through he really, truly deserved a happy ending.

In the beginning she totally didn’t get it, though. She couldn’t understand how Justin could be so in love with a guy who was so old. And while he was handsome, she’d also seen much hotter guys the few times she’d gone with him to Woody’s or Babylon. Then there was the way he treated Justin, especially in the very beginning. She didn’t really hate him for it because she’d found herself falling under the spell of Brian Kinney several times, but what she really couldn’t understand was how Justin, who was so strong and stood up for himself to everyone, would let Brian Kinney use him and toss him around and basically string him along. It was hard those first several months that Justin was so obsessed with Brian. Daphne supported Justin as best she could because she saw how much Brian meant to him, but at the same time she was preparing herself to help him pick up the pieces when Brian finally hurt him more than even Justin could accept or forgive.

Then Brian showed up to their prom and for the first time Daphne really saw them. The carefree nature and tender way Brain handled Justin that night, as they danced, had been magical. She truly saw then what Brian was to Justin, and she also got a glimpse of what Justin was to Brian. She too fell in love with Brian a little bit that night.

Right after Chris Hobbs’ attack when she tried to comfort Brian in the hospital she saw again what Justin really meant to him, and how guilty he felt about his part in the events. Daphne tried to assuage his guilt, but he wouldn’t accept any of her words of comfort.  After those three long days of waiting to hear if Justin would live or not, Daphne gained a new respect for Brian. And when she saw how he helped Justin after he was released from the hospital, her furious anger at him for not visiting Justin while he was in the hospital vanished.

Since the start she had been, and still was, Brian and Justin’s biggest cheerleader. She had also been the most doubtful when Justin left Brian to be with Ethan. She believed that Justin loved Ethan, but the two of them together were missing something; Justin was missing something. That spark of life he had, the spark that had come into being after the night Justin had met Brian; the spark that fueled him; the spark that burned hottest around Brian. With Ethan, Daphne held her breath and bit her tongue, waiting for the moment when Justin would figure out that he was actually bored. She’d never expected that Ethan would cheat on him.

Then, when Justin had told her he’d wanted Brian back? She had been deliriously happy and once again was vocally the two men’s biggest cheerleader.

Even when she’d learned Justin was going to go to New York without Brian, she’d known they would eventually come back together. After five years of watching the two of them push and pull and break up and get together again and again, the one thing she learned was that while Brian and Justin were strong men each on their own – they were far stronger when they had each other. She only hoped both men would be patient over their time apart…and patient they’d been.

This trip was perfectly timed, though, and planning for several days of downtime with Justin in the days leading up to the wedding, Daphne was excited to see her best friend and to get all the gossip on his new, married life.

* * *

 

“So, how’s the sex?” Daphne asked after she and Justin hugged hello. She had just collected her luggage when she saw Justin coming towards her, grinning. He looked good. His hair was slightly longer and his skin flushed with excitement.

“Daphne,” Justin laughed and shook his head, picking up her suitcase and leading her out to the car.

“Well! I want to get the scoop before we get to the house. I can’t ask these things in front of the Mister,” Daphne lightly elbowed Justin in the stomach.

“You know Brian would probably share more details about that than I ever would,” Justin replied matter-of-factly.

“Yeah,” Daphne laughed, “but not the details that I’m most interested in.”

“Seriously though, how are things?” Daphne asked as they arrived at the car. Justin grinned as he opened the truck and lifted her large suitcase in.

“Oh my God, Daphne,” Justin took her carry on from her and placed it in the truck, slamming the lid down and then falling against the bumper with a sigh.

“Life is fucking fantastic.”

Daphne grinned and threw her arms once more around the neck of her best friend.

* * *

 

“Are you shitting me?” Daphne stared at Justin, her mouth agape. Justin laughed and nodded.

“I know,” he said, turning the car onto the highway, headed towards home.

“Justin. I don’t even…wow,” Daphne stared out the window at the passing scenery. It was nice to be back in Pittsburgh. She hadn’t expected to feel glad to be here. Aside from Justin, nothing in this city felt like home to her anymore.

“I think we’re having more sex now than we were before,” Justin added and when Daphne looked over at him she laughed at his rising blush.

“Brian Kinney, monogamous,” she whispered, shaking her head.

Well, miracles never ceased.

* * *

 

They were eating ice cream and Daphne was telling Justin about life in Minneapolis when Brian came home.

He smiled at Daphne but headed straight for Justin first, laying his mouth on him in what Daphne hoped was a typical “honey, I’m home” kiss; lots of tongue and lots of hot.

“Mmmm, ice cream kisses,” Brian murmured as he pulled away, gently laying another few soft kisses on the corners of Justin’s mouth. Justin laughed and playfully punched Brian in the arm as they both turned to Daphne.

“Daphne.”

Rising to give Brian a hug, she felt his lips on her cheek and in his usual way he greeted her.

“You look great. Minneapolis must agree with you,” Brian smirked.

“It feels like Pittsburgh, to be honest, especially in the winter” Daphne smiled and took in the sight of Brian. Dressed for success, he looked tanned and rested and just as good-looking as ever, if not more so. It would seem that Brian was one of those men who only got better looking with age. Daphne smiled to herself; Justin was a lucky little fucker!

“But I can’t complain,” she added with a shrug.

“Good,” Brian looked between the two of them. “So, when’s dinner?”

* * *

 

Justin spent the next few days with Daphne and they explored many of their old haunts. Daphne wanted to visit the University campus, as well as stop by the Liberty Diner. Justin also took her to the gallery he was showing his work in. Daphne marveled at how his talent had flourished and grown over the last five years.

In addition to the sight-seeing, she also got to hear all about the last year. According to Justin, being married to Brian wasn’t much different than not being married. The only difference was wearing the ring, and the knowledge that they’d publicly committed to love and be with each other as long as they lived - which according to Justin, still seemed like a dream. Specifically, the fact that Brian Kinney had committed to him, publicly, and had uttered the words that it had taken him nearly five years to say to Justin in private, out loud in front of all their friends; Justin couldn’t even form words to explain. Daphne could imagine the feeling, and by the look on his face as he told her, she knew there was not one other thing in the world that would ever make him as happy as that moment had.

Daphne still couldn’t believe that they’d actually done it; gotten married. She had to agree with Justin; she never thought she’d see the day when Brian would take that step. And certainly not when she thought about how he used to be. But she had to remind herself that people change…they grow up. Even perpetually immature men like Brian. Sometimes it might take them longer, but it did happen.

* * *

 

Daphne heard the front door slam and the familiar shuffle of Justin’s footsteps. He’d had to run to the gallery for something and Daphne had decided to stay back at the house, resting up for the family-filled wedding she had to attend the following day.

“Justin?”

She stood from the cushy armchair where she’d been reading the latest Stephen King novel and waited. A few seconds later Justin’s blond head appeared at the door.

“Hey,” Justin smiled as he came into the room, dropping his messenger bag on the floor next to the second, identically matched cushy armchair.

Daphne smiled nervously.

“What’s up?” Justin questioned, his smile fading and his expression turning concerned.

“I wasn’t snooping, I swear,” she prefaced as she turned and motioned for Justin to follow her.

“Daph, you’re making me nervous,” Justin said from behind her as they climbed the stairs.

Daphne didn’t respond as she led him to the quest room where she’d been staying the last few days. The room was lived in, evidence of Daphne’s presence strewn all over. Clothes were piled on the floor all around her open suitcase, and on the dresser were all her various beauty products. The bed was unmade, the blankets twisted and wadded up, half of them on the floor.

“Jesus Daph, can’t you clean up after yourself? Brian’ll have a coronary if he sees this mess,” Justin teased and she smiled.

“Shut up,” Daphne laughed before she turned and placed her hands, palms out, against Justin’s chest.

“Like I said, I wasn’t snooping,” Daphne raised her eyebrows to try and impress upon Justin the truth of her statement.

“Okay,” Justin raised an eyebrow and laughed nervously. “Just tell me.”

“I wanted to hang up my dress for the wedding. It came this afternoon while you were out, freshly pressed from the cleaners, and when I opened the closet and saw the pile of frames on the floor I got curious. I mean they aren’t hidden or anything. They’re just there…,” Daphne indicated towards the open closet. Justin saw several frames on the floor inside, leaning in a stack against the back wall.

“So?” he asked. He recognized the one in front as being one of Brian’s from the loft – an old piece of art that no longer reflected the tastes of either man, but neither had wanted to get rid of it.

“Have you looked at them?” Daphne asked, narrowing her eyes. Justin shook his head.

“I didn’t even know they were here,” Justin shrugged, “Brian moved in first so he did a lot of unpacking without me.”

Daphne nodded.

“Well, you should look at them,” Daphne took a few steps back and sat on the bed watching as Justin moved to the closet and slowly looked through the pieces.

When she saw him stop, hand poised in midair she knew he’d found it.

“Did you know?”She asked.

Justin shook his head as he fell back on his butt, pulling the framed and matted drawing out from behind the larger piece it was hidden behind.

“No,” his voice was thick and distracted. He laid the drawing across his lap.

“You know what this means, right?” Daphne asked, grinning as Justin turned to look at her, his expression clearly showing his confusion.

“He already cared then!” Daphne exclaimed, her romantic imagination running away with her.

“Maybe,” Justin smiled, turning back to the drawing. “I remember so vividly when I drew this. I don’t think we’d known each other a month yet.”

The two friends fell silent. Daphne wondered what thoughts were going through her best friend’s mind.  

“Well. I think it proves that you were fated to be together,” she said finally.

“God, you’re such a hopeless romantic,” Justin laughed, moving to his knees and placing the framed drawing back in its hiding place.

“Are you going to tell him?” Daphne asked.

Justin stood and with a smile, shrugged.

“Maybe. Though I don’t really need to,” he added and Daphne watched as he left the room. She had no idea what he meant by that.

* * *

 

Her cousin’s wedding was the following day, and Daphne was out the door for her hair and makeup appointments long before Brian and Justin were up so she had no idea if Justin said anything to Brian about seeing the drawing.

She was distracted the whole day, thinking about them. The discovery of the drawing, the sudden knowledge that Brian had purchased it – had spent $100 of his hard-earned money to buy a drawing of himself, done by Justin, when they’d only known each other for maybe a month? It brought into question all the things she’d thought she’d known about Brian and about his relationship with Justin in those first months. She couldn’t stop imagining Brian, staring longingly at it while alone in his loft and probably desiring Justin with his gentle touch and artists hands to be with him.

She was sure it hadn’t been that way – but she could dream. What did it hurt? They were together now, which was all that mattered anyway.

Still, Daphne wished she could be a fly on the wall and see Justin telling Brian he knew about the drawing. She couldn’t help but be curious about what Brian would say. But - Justin said he likely wasn’t going to tell Brian he’d seen it, so…

Daphne sighed, eliciting a teary look from her mother who was sitting next to her with a wadded up Kleenex in her hand. She patted Daphne’s knee, probably assuming Daphne was feeling emotional over her cousin’s wedding.

How little her mother really knew.

* * *

 

Daphne got back to Brian and Justin’s fairly late into the evening. She’d left the wedding reception early, after dinner and cake but before the dancing. There were no single men present that she’d had any interest in, and she’d had enough family togetherness to last her another few years.

It wasn’t late, but Daphne was still as quiet as she could be when she got back to the house. She slowly opened the front door and stepped out of her kitten heels before crossing the hard wood floors towards the staircase. As her stocking feet started climbing the stairs she heard voices. Pausing on the staircase she strained her ear, curious.

The sound of fire crackling and soft jazz music filtered out into the entryway. She heard Justin’s voice, then Brian’s throaty laugh. Grinning, Daphne turned and crept quietly down the bottom few stairs. On her tiptoes, she eased slowly towards the French doors that opened into the living room where the sounds were coming from. Stopping a few feet from the doorway, Daphne swallowed any guilt she felt for eavesdropping. Leaning against the wall she wrapped her arms around her midsection, listening.

Brain’s laughter had subsided and while she couldn’t make out what he was saying, she could hear his voice, low and gravelly. She imagined his mouth was pressed to Justin’s ear.

“You said that already,” Justin’s voice said back and Daphne heard amusement in his tone.

“Well it’s true,” Brian said.

Daphne was dying to know what they were talking about.

“I wondered,” Justin said, so softly Daphne almost didn’t hear him.

There was a rustling noise and Daphne tensed, ready to move away if they came towards the door.

“You were such a little shit back then,” Brian said and there was more rustling. Daphne imagined they were lying together on the plush sofa that sat opposite the two armchairs. In her mind she saw Brian lying on top of Justin, his hands in Justin’s hair and their lips tickling as they nibbled and kissed on each other. Her stomach clenched unpleasantly as she suddenly yearned for that kind of closeness for herself.

“Yeah, but you still loved me,” Justin laughed and Daphne grinned. She could hear the teasing challenge in his tone.

“I guess I must have,” Brian said.

Daphne heard the unmistakable sounds of mouths kissing and with a deep breath she slowly moved closer to the door. The sofa sat opposite the armchairs, which were on either side of the large stone fireplace. The French doors shared the same wall as the fireplace so the sofa was in full view as Daphne cautiously peeked around the door frame.

Brian and Justin, both naked from the waist up, were lying together on the sofa just as she’d imagined. Brian was on top of Justin and their legs were tangled up together. They were kissing soft, slow, and deep. Brian’s hands moved slowly, alternating between Justin’s hair and his face, while Justin had one hand at the nape of Brian’s neck and the other at his lower back, his fingertips disappearing into the elastic waistband of Brian’s shorts.

Biting her lower lip Daphne stepped back. Her eyes welled with happy tears as she shook her head. Seeing them together like that…fuck. It hurt her heart in the best possible way. She couldn’t believe how fucking happy she was that they were finally together like this.

With another deep breath, Daphne slowly crept back towards the staircase and climbed up to her room, leaving the men to their privacy. 


	16. Halloween

**_October 2011_ **

“I’m not fucking wearing this,” Brian stood in front of the full length mirror in their bedroom and scowled at his reflection. Sure, he looked good – great even – but fuck if he was going to wear a costume. It was bad enough Justin had sprung this Halloween party on him in the first place. He’d much rather stay home and play dress up with Justin than go to some lame ass party with people he didn’t even know; and in this fucking costume?

“Fuck me,” Justin’s voice came from behind and Brian saw Sunshine reflected in the mirror, standing behind him grinning, with his mouth hanging open.

“I’d love to,” Brian growled and Justin laughed again, moving slowly towards him, his eyes traveling up and down Brian’s body.

Turning to face him, Brian felt his body flush hot under the admiring and desiring gaze of his husband.

“You look fucking hot,” Justin breathed, pressing against him, his hands reaching around his back and squeezing Brian’s ass while his tongue licked a path up his neck and along his jaw to his mouth.

Without a word, Brian reached back and grabbed Justin’s wrists, wrenching them around and behind Justin’s back while he pressed his swollen cock against him, urging him backwards. When Justin’s thighs hit the bed, he fell on his butt onto the pillowtop mattress. Brian released his wrists then, and in one swift motion pulled off Justin’s sweats, setting his hard cock free.

Taking him in his mouth Brian worked his tongue slow and fast, deep and hard. Soon Justin was writhing beneath him and his hands grasped at Brian’s hair as if desperate.

“Fuck me,” he growled and Brian was more than happy to oblige.

After, they lay in bed together sweaty and sticky, the Rage costume Brian had been wearing in a pile on the floor.

“We should get going so we don’t miss the entire party,” Justin’s breath smelled sweet as he pressed his lips to the corner of Brian’s mouth.

Sighing, Brian rolled his eyes. He heard a sniff of laughter from the man beside him and he resisted the urge to hit him with a pillow.

It wasn’t fair, Brian thought. Justin knew he could ask for anything and get it.

“This party better be fucking fantastic,” Brian groaned as he stood and headed to the shower.

* * *

In the end, Brian did wear the Rage costume; Justin wanted him too and though he felt ridiculous he also knew he looked damn fucking good. The spandex suit hugged his features in just the right way, yet didn’t give away everything. Justin had had the costume made especially for Brian, and it was even nicer quality than the one that had been designed for the long-dead film.

Justin wore one of JT’s outfits from the comics and carried the issue in his hands as proof he was dressed up. Brian didn’t think it was fair – he shouldn’t have to carry picture proof that he was dressed up as some character – wearing normal clothes.

“You’re a little fucker for making me do this,” Brian whispered in Justin’s ear as they finally arrived at the party, fashionably late.

“And you, you’re not even wearing a real costume; you little shit.”

Justin just grinned, reaching behind to pinch Brian’s ass as they waited for someone to answer the door of the large home. Brian could hear music playing and he sighed – sounded a little too much like breeder music.

“I hope there aren’t too many fags at this party,” Brian added, adjusting the mask he was wearing over his eyes. “I wouldn’t want to be responsible for causing a stampede.”

He saw Justin roll his eyes and Brian suppressed a grin.

The party was being held by one of Justin’s New York friends who just also happened to be from the Pittsburgh area, Emilie Rosen. She and Justin had become fast friends when they’d met at the shared studio space they rented out with three other artists. They had bonded over Pittsburgh, and missing their lovers. Emilie’s boyfriend was not in New York with her, much like Brian hadn’t been with Justin.

Emilie had taken it the hardest when Justin had told her he was leaving New York – but she had soon followed him. She hadn’t found the same success Justin had, but she was okay with that. She left New York six months after Justin and was now engaged to be married. Justin had never met Paul, her fiancé, so he was looking forward to doing so at this party – that was really the only reason Brian would have ever consented to attend such an event, in such a costume. He wanted to make Sunshine happy. And, much like how he felt about Daphne, he liked Emilie. She was a good friend to Justin and she was one of a few straight people he could tolerate.

God he was so fucking pathetic sometimes.

Emilie answered the door wearing a Harry Potter costume, and her expression when she saw Brian only cemented the idea that he looked ridiculous. Her eyes widened as she took him in head to toe but when her gaze noticeably paused on his package his self-confidence lifted some. He wasn’t stuffed, and while he wore some padding to provide shape and protection, it was all him down there. He grinned.

“Hi! I’m glad you guys could make it!” She kissed Justin on the cheek, then leaned up and did the same to Brian.

Smiling at Brian once more, she turned to Justin and eyed him suspiciously.

“Are you supposed to be dressed up as someone?” she asked and Brian quirked his eyebrow at Justin.

“Yeah?” he added.

“I’m JT,” Justin smiled, holding up the cover of the issue. His clothes matched those of the image of JT on the cover. Emilie eyed the comic then glanced at Brian.

“Ah, and you’re the superhero,” she nodded and Brian smirked.

“Something like that,” he said, “where’s the bar?”

* * *

Brian barely noticed the other guests as he made his way through the large, crowded house to where the self-service bar was set up. It was, he could tell upon entering, a purely hetero party. It didn’t really matter now that he and Justin were not tricking any more, but it still felt odd to be surrounded by all straight folks – it was a situation Brian hadn’t really found himself in since college. Happy to see that the hosts had good taste in alcohol, Brian poured some Beam into a tumbler then turned to survey the scene.

There were a lot of costumes and many were far more intricate (and ridiculous) than his. No other superheroes, though, and no one else in skin tight spandex. He saw Justin and Emilie, talking with another guy also dressed in Harry Potter – likely her fiancé - near the doorway. The music playing was not really danceable, but there were a few couples in the middle of the large room, sort of swaying back and forth. He saw many of the women in the room checking him out and he sighed. He really didn’t want to fend off unwanted attention tonight and he hoped Justin would join him soon so they could make the necessary display to keep the women from hitting on them both.

“Hey,” a woman’s voice came from Brian’s left.

_Shit. Too late._

The mask was impeding Brian’s peripheral vision so he had to turn his head to see who was talking to him. When he did he saw a very young brunette in a very short skirt and a very tiny top; her costume apparently some variation of a “sexy school girl”. How unoriginal.

“Hey,” Brian replied flatly, turning his gaze back to the crowd and trying to send Rage-like telepathic messages to his JT to come save him for a change.

“So what are you, some kind of superhero?” The young woman asked and Brian clenched his jaw.

“Yeah,” he replied as coolly as he could without being outright rude.

“You look really good,” she said in what Brian assumed was a sultry voice. Suddenly he felt her fingers trailing up his bare arm.

“Look-,” Brian started, turning his head once more to look at her, about to fill her in on her obvious inadequacies for his needs when Justin suddenly appeared before him, laughing.

“Thanks for keeping him company for me,” Justin said to the woman with a broad smile; his Sunshine smile.

Her expression clouded as she looked at Justin, then back at Brian. As the realization of the nature of their relationship dawned on her, a soft pink blush crept up her neck. Brian would have laughed except he was too irritated.

Justin eased himself into the crook of Brian’s shoulder, wrapping his arm around Brian’s waist.

“Yeah, sure,” she backed away smiling awkwardly, “you have a good night.”

Then she was gone, swallowed up by the decent sized crowd. Brian glanced around the room and saw the other women in the area had witnessed the display and were now checking him out in a different way. He could practically see them undressing him and Justin right there. What the hell was it with women and gay men?

He sensed Justin laughing and with his free arm he pulled him close, squeezing him tight.

“You are definitely going to pay for this later,” Brian growled in Justin’s ear, gently biting it and tugging.

“I’m counting on it,” Justin said back, his hand resting on Brian’s lower back, fingers lightly moving in small circles.

* * *

Justin was pulled away from him to talk art with some business associates also at the party, forcing Brian to mingle. He grew tired of explaining his costume to men who grew uncomfortable upon hearing the words “gay superhero”, and was quickly bored by the incessant talk of football that came quickly after and so he wandered the first floor of the house they were in. At the back of the large house Brian discovered a TV room. Hearing the familiar voices of Gene Kelly and Frank Sinatra, Brian peered into the room and grinned. On the television was playing “On the Town”. Brian wasn’t a typical queer that was in love with all things musical – theatre, movies, and Barbra; but in addition to James Dean and Marlon Brando, he had an immense love and respect for Gene Kelly. Entering the room, Brian watched the TV for awhile, while he sipped his third glass of Beam.

“Hi,” a small voice said, startling Brian. He thought the room had been empty.

Focusing his eyes in the darkness, Brian barely made out the top of a small, blond head peering over the back of the oversized sofa that sat in front of the large television.

“Hi,” Brian replied.

“Are you a superhero?” the little girl asked, more of her appearing as she moved to her knees and rested her arms on the back of the sofa. Her head was titled slightly as she looked at him with genuine curiosity.

“I am,” Brian answered, amused.

“I don’t know you,” she said, very matter-of-factly.

“That’s okay. Not many people do,” Brian smirked. The comic he represented was certainly not fit for children, especially not ones this young…

“Uh, do you live here?” Brian asked, realizing that it was quite late, a weeknight, and this was a fairly adult party. He didn’t think it was entirely appropriate that this little girl was here.

She shook her head in reply, her blond hair swinging. Suddenly Brian had a vision of Justin, cradling a blond-haired baby, comforting a crying blond-haired toddler, playing with an excited blond-haired young kid. The visions were so clear Brian was momentarily breathless.

“My dad brought me,” she said. “Annie got sick.”

Brian assumed Annie was a babysitter.

“I see,” Brian, someone who never bowed to conventionality suddenly felt waves of judgement surge through him for the father who bring his young daughter to an adult Halloween party like this one. He conveniently ignored his own shortfalls as a father, especially in his earlier years.

“You like musicals?” Brian asked as the movie on the screen transitioned into another song and dance number.

The girl shrugged.

“They’re okay,” she said, suddenly yawning.

“I like Nemo best,” she added.

“I like Nemo too,” Brian smiled, falling hard for the girl. Her eyes big and blue and her hair so blond it nearly shone in the dark were all reminiscent of Justin. He felt like he was in an alternate universe where he and Justin were dads to this adorable little girl.

“Can I join you?” he asked, smiling and sliding his Rage mask up to his forehead.

“Okay,” she smiled.

“But now I know your secret identity,” she grinned and Brian laughed.

“Just don’t tell,” Brian winked and she nodded with an infectious laugh.

“What’s your name?” he asked as he moved around to the front of the sofa and sat at the far end, keeping a few feet of space between them. The last thing he wanted was for someone to come in and assume the worst.

“Melanie,” she said, tucking her feet under her and looking at him shyly.

“Shit,” Brian laughed under his breath.

“I heard that,” Melanie smiled, covering her mouth with her hands and laughing.

“Sorry,” Brian bit his lips, “promise not to tell on me?”

She nodded and Brian grinned. Turning his attention back to the television, Brian let himself get lost in the movie. Really, he allowed himself to get lost in fantasies of getting lost in Gene Kelly’s magnificent ass.

Pretty soon Melanie was curled up next to Brian, sound asleep. When the movie ended, Brian grabbed a pillow from the adjacent loveseat and placed it under her head. As he made to leave, he draped the blanket that lay across the back of the sofa over her.

He stared at her, easily picturing Justin doing this same thing. Picturing he and Justin doing this same thing together.

He had never, in all the years since Gus’s birth, even given a second thought to being a father again – well, aside from when the munchers had asked him to father another kid. But that was different, because that kid, while his biologically, wouldn’t have been his specifically; like Gus. It would not be like fathering a child that he and Justin would raise; together…

While he might not have thought about it for himself, he had thought a lot about what Justin wanted and deserved. He knew for a fact that Justin wanted a family – and while he said nothing of it to Brian lately, he was certain a part of Justin still really wanted that. He was sure Justin was settling, resigning himself to the fact that he wouldn’t have a child of his own. It hurt Brian to think that he was depriving Justin of something he really wanted; and he had seen the way Justin was with Gus – he would be a fantastic father.

Brian rubbed his cheeks. Hell, wanting to give Justin the freedom to pursue a family had been his primary reason for breaking things off all those years ago.  Now, though, he felt an unfamiliar stirring – the beginnings of an idea, a desire. Did he want to be a dad again? And a full-time dad at that?

Brian had thought he’d put fatherhood behind him. He had Gus, and sure he didn’t see him as often as he’d like too, but when he did it was great. And a part of him was glad that the primary responsibility of raising him fell to people far more capable than he thought himself to be.

Did he want to be a new father at 40? Brian wasn’t sure, but now the idea was planted in his head and he wasn’t sure he could get rid of it…

* * *

Brian wasn’t drunk, but he’d had a few too many, so Justin drove them home.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Justin asked, steering them back out to the main highway that would take them home. Brian just groaned.

“Fuck Halloween,” he rolled down the window and threw the Rage mask out into the night.

“Hey!” Justin laughed, “I paid good money for that.”

“Well you shouldn’t have,” Brian answered, yawning then breathing in the cold night air.

“No falling asleep,” Justin warned, “I have plans for us.”

“I have work in the morning, Sunshine,” Brian stifled another yawn as he put the window back up.

“You’re the fucking boss, you can go in late. Or not at all if you want,” Justin’s hand moved across to the passenger seat. The spandex was not much for a barrier, and it felt almost as though his fingers were touching bare skin. Slowly Justin traced his fingertips up and down his thigh and Brian felt his cock stiffen in response.

Laying his head against the seat Brian stared at Sunshine’s profile. The passing cars and occasional streetlights bounced light off his blond hair and illuminated him brilliantly. Brian wished he had a camera to capture the beauty.

The longer he stared, the fuller his heart felt. Never in his life would he have imagined being in this place, and being this happy.

Justin’s hand continued to squeeze and stroke and massage Brian’s thigh, while his mouth twitched into a partial smile as he kept his eyes on the road.

“I love you,” Brian said suddenly and when Justin turned his head to him and grinned happily, Brian smiled back – no sarcasm – just joy.


	17. Gus

**_June/July_** **_2012_**

He couldn’t have been more Brian’s son. Not quite twelve years old yet he was nearly as tall as Melanie. His hair was dark brown and wild, a cowlick across the nape of his neck that mirrored Brian’s. His eyes were hazel too, but a slightly lighter shade and appearing blue-green most days, with tiny flecks of amber that flashed when he was angry or upset. His form was lanky and like most eleven-almost-twelve year old boys his arms and legs were too long for him, indicative of the inches of growth still to come. He was into sports; soccer being his favorite.

While physically Gus was the image of Brian, emotionally he was his more like Lindsay, caring and understanding. And even though he loved sports he was also fervently addicted to the arts. In the winter months when he couldn’t be outside kicking around the soccer ball he was inside, drawing with charcoals or painting with Lindsay’s old oils; they were starting to separate, but still worked well enough for him to experiment. Sometimes he thought he might want to be an artist, specifically an animator, but he had never told anyone that for fear of being laughed at.

Gus was also unusually sensitive – or so Lindsay and Melanie would tell him almost every day. The closer Gus’s birthday came the more frustrated and irritated he would get with his two mothers. Everything they did made him mad; annoyed him. When Lindsay tried to smooth down his hair or adjust his collar he slinked away from her touch. When Melanie would tease him or make jokes with him he easily got hurt feelings.

The last few months of fifth grade had been rough for Gus. He was the tallest boy in his class and the object of many school-girl crushes; he felt himself starting to take notice of them too, but for the most part girls were still just an irritant he had to deal with. While he had a lot of friends, his teacher, Mr. Beuford, didn’t like him and Gus felt like that was a well-known fact.

Gus was smart – the product of two very intelligent and highly driven people, and so he many times grew bored in his classes which usually resulted in him causing trouble, which then usually resulted in a trip to the principal’s office.

The principal’s office was where everyone’s least favorite Brian-inherited characteristics tended to come out; Gus had also inherited his father’s attitude. Most of the time it remained hidden but not at school and not when he was in trouble. So many times he’d been sent home for mouthing off, for saying something uncouth to the principal or his teacher. It wasn’t that he wanted to do it, either. It just kind of came out of him, the product of changing hormones and a father who led by example.

Any of the adults in Gus’s life could see it was puberty hitting, big time. Gus knew it too, but in that abstract way that only told him he was changing and completely powerless to control it. What he did know was that he hated everything, yet loved everything, all at the same time. It was overwhelming – and he felt it all the time. If asked, he would elaborate about how desperately sad and misunderstood he was, yet the joy he’d feel at kicking the soccer ball, or drawing a picture of JR, or making his friends at school laugh, made him feel on top of the world.

It was all very confusing for Gus, for Lindsay and Melanie, and for Brian and Justin, too.

**GUS**

The last day of school found Gus in the principal’s office waiting for his mom to come get him. He’d once again mouthed off to his teacher. He didn’t care, and was actually glad - his head hurt anyway from all the thoughts swirling around. He just wished he could stop _thinking;_ it made him tired.

When his mom arrived she didn’t say anything. Gus followed her silently from the school to the car and they didn’t speak at all on the drive home. Once at the house, she sent him upstairs to his room. Gus went gladly, slamming his bedroom door hoping it sent the message that he was the victim being treated unfairly. He was always the victim – it wasn’t his fault that he was smarter than his teacher and that everyone laughed at his fart jokes and the creative animations he’d draw in small flip books.

After awhile of sitting in his bedroom thinking about how unfair his life was, Gus heard his mom’s voice start talking. He heard her say his name – but when no voice talked back in response Gus deduced she must be on the phone.

Quietly opening his bedroom door he slowly crept out into the hall, avoiding the spot directly under his doorframe because it creaked really loudly. He paused in the hall. He could hear his mom clearly now, her voice drifting up the stairwell as she spoke. She was saying something about not being able to control him. Gus figured he was the “him” she was talking about.

Turning to his right he stalked past J.R.’s room to his moms’ room. The cordless phone was on the bedside table and holding his breath, Gus picked it up. He waited until he could hear mom talking again before he hit the “TALK” button. He’d learned his lesson a few months ago when he’d tried to eavesdrop on another phone call and had been caught by ma when she’d heard the _click_ during the silence of her conversation…

“…and I don’t know what to do with him.”

“He’s a kid, Lindsay.”

Gus felt his stomach clench tightly when he heard dad’s voice. Gus hadn’t seen his dad for a few months, and though they usually talked regularly on the phone, the last call hadn’t been for a few weeks.

“I know he’s a kid Brian, but God help me he’s trying our patience,” mom said and Gus felt his shoulders sag just a bit.

“Fuck,” his dad sighed loudly and Gus thought he sounded kind of sad, “What exactly do you want me to do about it. You two took him away from here; away from me. How am I supposed to help you from fucking Pittsburgh?”

“Brian…,”

“No. Listen to me,” he paused.

“Are you listening?”

“Yes, Brian I’m listening.” Gus heard irritation in his mom’s voice and he smiled.

“I gave him up it was because I knew you and Melanie could love him and support him and be there for him, together. And if you recall, I didn’t want you to take him to fucking Canada, but I said okay anyway. Now you want to ship him back here for the whole summer?”

Gus felt his face grow hot as he listened to dad talk. _The moms wanted to send him away? To his dad? Who gave him up? What?_

“Of course we’ll gladly have him; he can come and stay any time he wants and for as long as he wants but Christ, Lindsay, make up your fucking mind already.”

“I just think he’d benefit from some male influence right now, even if it’s a queer male influence.”

“Fuck you.”

They laughed then, but Gus was distracted by what apparently were his new summer plans. Dad and Pittsburgh…and that meant no soccer.

Hanging up the phone as they started talking about travel plans for Gus, he looked around his moms’ room.

“Fuck,” he whispered out loud, feeling power in speaking that taboo word even as his head starting to hurt again. Inside he was knotted up from confusion, sadness, and anger.

**BRIAN**

Lindsay had called venting to him about Gus taking yet another trip to the principal’s office before swiftly suggesting that he come and stay with Brian and Justin for the summer. The suggestion was not unwelcome but Brian had felt a moment of panic at the idea of spending so much time with his son – but then the thought of all that time together, getting to really know him…well it was all he could do play it cool. He missed Gus almost every day, and the thought of having him around for two months…well it was pretty exciting.

He and Linds decided that Gus would fly to Pittsburgh on Memorial Day weekend, and stay with Brian and Justin until the end of July when he’d fly back to Toronto. Brian, who hadn’t spent more than one week at a time with his kid, found himself not only excited but nervous. The behavior Lindsay had described to him over the phone didn’t sound like the Gus he knew from his phone calls and visits, but Brian would also be the first to admit that the frequency he saw and talked to his son hardly qualified him as an expert.

When Memorial Day Weekend arrived, Brian found himself waiting anxiously at the gate for all the other passengers on the flight from Toronto to disembark. It irritated him that kids traveling unsupervised were the last to get off the plane, but he supposed it made sense for safety reasons. Finally, the last of the passengers came down the jetway and then Brian saw Gus, a backpack slung over his shoulder. A young female flight attendant walked next to him – escorting him from the plane.

Brian approached them, the necessary paperwork in hand proving who he was and that he was there for Gus. The flight attendant examined his documents, gave him a warm smile, and bid them a pleasant day.

Brian barely heard her, his attention focused on Gus. He looked the same, a little taller maybe. With a grin, Brian embraced him.

“Hey dad,” Gus muttered looking slightly embarrassed and Brian suppressed a smile.

“Sonny-boy; I think you’re taller.”

Gus shrugged.

“Was your flight good?”

“Sure,” Gus nodded, adjusting his backpack as he looked everywhere but at Brian.

Brian stared at him, getting the sense he was not entirely happy to be there and his excitement was dampened slightly.

“Justin can’t wait to see you,” he said finally, placing his arm across Gus’s shoulders and steering them away from the gate and towards the baggage claim.

Gus just nodded but didn’t respond.

“He was going to come with me, but some asshole broke into his car last night at the grocery store and stole all the new paints and canvases that he’d bought for you.”

“Oh,” was all he said.

Brian was beginning to understand what Lindsay had been telling him over the phone. Remembering how he had been at this age he sighed inwardly. Puberty was a bitch to live through, and it looked like Gus was just getting started.

They approached the baggage claim and waited. All around them were families traveling over the holiday weekend; families that consisted of a mother and a father. Brian didn’t see any same-sex couples, and only a few solo parents.

Brian knew Gus had had a hard time when he’d started school. He’d been teased mercilessly by other kids in his class because he had two moms. Even in Toronto where same-sex marriages were legal, kids were still cruel to each other. Lindsay would call Brian nearly every night, practically in tears herself because Gus was so upset. He couldn’t understand why everyone was so mean to him just because he had two moms. Having two moms was all he knew and he didn’t understand why it was such a big deal. It hadn’t taken long for Gus to tire of the teasing and he started to lash out at his attackers. Only after he hit and bloodied several kids’ noses did the teasing begin to taper off before eventually coming to an end. Brian wondered if part of Gus’s attitude now was related to more teasing. He’d be entering middle school in the fall and Brian remembered how awful kids could be at that age. Worse than any other age in his mind; Brian just wasn’t sure how to broach the subject so he pushed it out of his mind for the time being. No need to pounce on the kid five minutes after he’d arrived…

“So; I thought we could sign you up for soccer while you’re here, since you’re missing playing with your home team,” Brian said. Knowing how much Gus loved soccer he had signed him up the day after Lindsay had called him. Brian was hopeful getting to play would help him through his funk.

“Yes! Awesome,” Gus replied giving Brian what appeared to be a genuinely happy grin.

“Good,” Brian smiled back as they both turned to the conveyer belt where the bags from the plane were starting to appear.

**JUSTIN**

Justin was waiting for them at the Liberty Diner, anxious to see Gus. It had been far too long – Christmas – since Justin had seen him. He hadn’t been able to accompany Brian on the last two visits he’d made to Toronto because of one emergency or another arising at his gallery.

 

Checking his watch he fidgeted in the booth.

 

“Honey, you need to relax,” Debbie grinned, snapping her gum as she came over with a water pitcher, refilling Justin’s glass.

 

“I know,” Justin sighed, smiling at her.

 

“Stop worrying, they’ll be here soon,” she stroked his cheek before giving it a light slap and moving to the other side of the diner to take an order.

 

Just then the doors opened and Brian walked in, Gus in tow.

 

Justin grinned as he stood, moving to meet them halfway. He gave Brian a half-hug and quick kiss before wrapping both his arms around Gus and giving him a tight squeeze.

 

“Wow, you’re nearly as tall as me,” he laughed as he pulled back, nearly eye to eye with kid. A few more inches before he’d be taller than him!

 

“You may pass up your dad one day,” he added, seeing Brian quirk his eyebrow out of the corner of his eye.

 

“That’d be cool,” Gus grinned and Justin laughed, leading them to the booth he’d been sitting in for the last 20 minutes.

 

“Come give your grandmother a hug!” Debbie’s shrill voice called from across the diner. Justin and Brian exchanged a knowing look as Gus rolled his eyes.

 

“Go on,” Brian stuck his tongue in his cheek as he gently pushed Gus towards where Debbie stood with her arms wide open. Justin laughed as Gus skulked towards her, obviously dreading the giant bear hug he was about to receive.

 

While Debbie fawned over Gus the two men sat down. Justin greeted Brian with a series of soft kisses that led from his ear to his mouth where their tongues met and danced briefly.

 

“Hey,” Justin whispered when they’d pulled apart.

 

“Hey yourself,” Brian replied, kissing him once more.

 

“So? How is he?” Justin asked in a whisper, laying his head on Brian’s shoulder and watching as Debbie ruffled Gus’s hair.

 

“He seems okay,” Brian replied, wrapping his arm around Justin’s shoulders. Justin felt fingers softly stroking his arm.

 

“I mean, he seems like a normal almost-twelve year old,” Brian added, “you remember that age don’t you?”

 

Justin laughed.

 

“Fuck yes. It was terrible,” he lifted his head from Brian’s shoulder as Gus started back towards their booth, sliding into the seat across from Brian and Justin.

 

“You survived your encounter with Granny Deb I see,” Brian smirked.

 

“Yeah,” Gus rolled his eyes and they all laughed.

 

**GUS**

 

The first few days he’d been bored – there was no soccer because of the holiday weekend, and so he wandered around the large house aimlessly. He didn’t really want to do anything other than sit on the sofa and play video games. His dad and Justin tried to get him to do stuff – but even swimming couldn’t entice him. He was just disinterested in everything. He could tell they were getting frustrated by his apathy – but he kind of didn’t care about that either.

 

Soccer practices started the Tuesday after Memorial Day, and since his dad had to work Justin took him to his practices. They would share idle conversation on the car ride – Justin asking about Gus’s drawing and other art-related questions. By the end of the week Gus was starting to feel a little better. Soccer was fun and he got on well with all his teammates; he liked talking about art with Justin, and he didn’t mind his dad asking him a bunch of questions about practice and his team when they’d have dinner at night.

 

As the end of May transitioned into June and the temperatures in Pittsburgh started to climb, Gus finally felt the desire to take advantage of the swimming pool in back of the house. Changing into his swim trunks he headed first to the kitchen to get a Coke from the fridge but stopped just outside the doorway when he heard his dad’s voice say his name.

 

“He’s eleven years old, Brian. You know what that means.”

 

“I miss the kid who used to follow me around and hang on my every word. I miss the kid who worshiped me as his dad.”

 

Gus felt a flash of guilt.

 

“Brian,” Justin’s voice was soft.

 

“I don’t know what to do for him. I don’t know what would make him happy to be here.”

 

“He _is_ happy to be here,” Justin replied, “he’s just dealing with some heavy stuff right now.”

 

Not interested in swimming anymore, Gus backed away from the kitchen and retreated to his room. He didn’t want to hear them talking about him like that. He didn’t know what to think – he’d never heard his dad sound like that before; sad and all because of him. Justin was right, too. He was happy to be here. He loved being here…he didn’t understand any better than anyone else why he couldn’t seem to express his happiness, or why sometimes it was so fleeting. Gus just wanted all the confusing feelings to go away. He was tired of being sad and happy and angry all at the same time. It was exhausting.

 

**BRIAN**

 

The first soccer game of the summer capped off the end of Gus’s second week in with Brian and Justin.  Brian was in the middle of starting up a new, major campaign and the client was very demanding of his time and as a result he was unable to take Gus to his afternoon practices. The game was going to be the first time he’d see Gus play. In the week leading up to the game they’d spent a few nights out on the sloping grassy lawn kicking the ball around, Brian helping Gus practice his ball handling skills. Gus would laugh each time he managed to maneuver the ball past Brian, and as such Brian would occasionally let Gus get by him just to hear his laughter.

 

When they arrived at the field Gus ran off to join his team and Brian and Justin settled on the small section of metal bleachers that sat atop the slightly sloped hill behind the sideline where Gus’s team sat. Brian hadn’t been to a sporting event since he’d stopped playing soccer himself, around Gus’s age. He smiled stiffly and nodded at the other parents, trying not to notice the way they looked at Brian and Justin; each one of them seemed to widen their eyes in surprise before offering smiles that were slightly too big and slightly too friendly. Straight people.

 

Brian watched his son on the field, kicking the ball around and laughing with his teammates, sharing a smile himself with Justin. Gus was the tallest boy on the field, and as Brian watched him run around he amazed at how much he really did remind Brian of himself.

 

“He really does move just like you,” Justin leaned in and whispered as if he’d read Brian’s mind. He pressed a very light kiss to Brian’s ear before grinning and grasping Brian’s hand, threading their fingers.

 

“Yeah,” Brian glanced at Justin before turning back to the field. He tightened his grip on Justin’s hand, pulling it into his lap and laying his other hand over the back, trapping Justin’s hand there. He was feeling unnecessarily anxious and excited.

 

Across the field Brian saw the opposing team gearing up. According to Gus, they were the defending champion of the league from the year before, so Gus’s team had practiced extra hard in the hopes of beating them.

 

When the game started Brian became quickly wrapped up in the back and forth. Both teams played hard and fast, and apparently Gus’s team’s extra practices were worth it because they scored two goals to the defending champs none before half time. Each goal resulted in an eruption of cheering from the parents seated all around Brian and Justin.

 

During the short half-time break, and after the coach had imparted whatever words of wisdom he deemed appropriate, Gus came to the bleachers to talk to Brian and Justin. He grinned from ear to ear as Brian complimented him on his passing and offensive playing.

 

When the second half of the game started up Brian watched with increasing agitation as Gus was targeted by one specific boy from the other team. He was nearly as big as Gus and very aggressive in trying to steal the ball away, even making contact a few times. Enough contact that Brian wondered why there were no fouls called – this wasn’t Major League Soccer after all. To Gus’s credit, he kept a cool head and simply played the game. Brian wasn’t so sure he could have remained so calm…

 

Then it all flipped on its head. Things deteriorated fast as Gus managed to sneak past the other kid and take a shot on goal. The shot was saved by their keeper, much to the dismay of the parents and his teammates. Immediately after the save, the boy that had been covering Gus so closely suddenly started making faces and talking to Gus. Brian couldn’t hear what he was saying but from the look on Gus’s face it couldn’t be good. Kids from both teams started gathering behind Gus and the other kid, and the refs and coaches started towards the two boys.

 

“Shit,” Brian whispered, standing. He had a very bad feeling about what was happening on the field. The other parents around him, seeming to take their cue from him, also stood. Brian felt Justin next to him, grasping his upper arm.

 

“Shut the fuck up!” Gus yelled suddenly and Brian’s stomach clenched.

 

The refs and coaches were only feet away from the large group when Gus clenched his fist and let it fly. Brian felt his mouth open wordlessly as the other boy doubled over, screaming.

 

“Fuck!” Brian yelled, jumping down off the bleachers and hurrying out to the field. He could hear Justin following behind him.

 

“You faggot asshole!” the other kid was screaming, hands held to his face as blood dribbled down the front of his jersey.

 

Brian and Justin, as well as a middle-aged couple from the other side of the field, made their way into the melee on the field. Hearing what the kid had yelled, Brian had an idea of what had transpired to make Gus act the way he did.

 

Gus was ejected from the game after that, despite his allegations about what the other kid had said to him. Brian kept his arms around his son as the other kid’s parents called Gus a hooligan and a troublemaker, openly criticizing Brian’s parenting skills, too. Not daring to open his mouth for fear of starting a real fight, Brian calmly apologized to the referee’s and to Gus’s coach before leading his son off the field. His jaw ached from clenching it so tight. As the three of them walked off he heard the kid scream after them again and his words were like a punch in the gut.

 

“Fags! You’re all a bunch of fudgepacking fags!”

 

It was one thing to be degraded by adults who should know better; it was another to hear a child yell such awful things. Brian silently cursed the boy and his parents, red hot anger boiling in his gut.

 

The parents of Gus’s teammates, who had all remained standing on the bleachers during the entire scene, gave Brian sympathetic smiles as they moved past and towards the parking lot. For the first time Brian felt genuine appreciation for their apparent support, and he began to think maybe his son would be welcomed back to the team with no issues.

 

They drove home in silence. Brian watched Gus in the rear view mirror, concerned for him.

 

A few hours later they were back at the house lounging by the pool. Brian had a glass of scotch, while Justin and Gus each had cans of Coke. Each of them seemed lost in their own thoughts, though Brian was sure Justin was as concerned about Gus as he was.

 

“I don’t want to go back,” Gus said sadly, breaking the silence.

 

“That’s your call sonny-boy,” Brian said, “but the best way to beat a bully is to fight back. And I don’t mean with fists. I’m betting you’ll play that team again this summer and you’re far better than anyone they have. You beat the shit out of them, and him, on the field.”

 

“Brian,” Justin sighed.

 

Brian looked at Justin pointedly. It was advice in the same vein he’d given Justin all those years ago…it was true that nothing pissed off straight people more than a successful fag. It didn’t matter that Gus wasn’t gay – the principle still applied in Brian’s mind. The bully would shut his mouth when Gus proved he was a superior soccer player, even if he had two dads.

 

“What?” Gus asked and Brian saw him looking between them.

 

“You don’t have to decide right now. There’s no practice until Monday, so just let me know,” Justin said to Gus. “If you want to go back I’ll take you.”

 

Gus nodded.

 

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Justin asked and Gus shrugged.

 

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Brian watched Gus seem to struggle with something, his face betraying his confusion.

 

“He called me a faggot,” Gus eventually mumbled and Brian nodded. He’d thought that was likely what had happened.

 

The one thing Brian never wanted Gus to feel was shame because his dad was gay. Now it seemed that was where things were headed. Brian started to grow angry again, feeling powerless to do anything to help his son. Gus didn’t choose to be Brian’s son, just like Brian didn’t chose to be gay, to have to live his life being ridiculed and belittled by ignorant assholes. It was fucking unfair.

 

“I’m not,” Gus added emphatically, lowering his head and playing with the drawstring of his swim trunks.

 

“No, you’re not,” Brian said softly. Gus peeked at him from beneath his eyelashes.

 

“You’re not either,” Gus blurted out, “I mean…you’re gay but you’re not…you know…that.”

 

Brian laughed at that. One thing all of them, as Gus’s parents, had tried very hard to do was teach Gus the importance of language and words. That when and how they were used sometimes had far more power, impact and meaning than their actual definition might imply.

 

“So how ‘bout we forget about that little homophobic asshole and do some swimming?” Brian suddenly jumped up from his lounge chair and without a word picked up a protesting Justin and in two giant steps leapt into the pool, Gus’s laughter sounding behind him.

 

**JUSTIN**

 

“Why did my dad give me up?”

Justin coughed, choking on his morning coffee.

“What?” Justin asked, wiping coffee off his chin with his shoulder.

Three weeks into his stay, Gus was sharing his morning breakfast with Justin. Brian had already gone to work and so Justin was alone at the house with Gus. As had become their routine, Gus would wander down to the kitchen around 9am, eating breakfast while Justin finished his coffee. Usually Justin would be looking through one of the many art magazines he had a subscription too, answering any questions Gus would have about the techniques he’d see in the magazines. He was glad he had art to bond with Gus over, since he understood little to nothing about soccer.

After the disaster of last weekend’s soccer game, Gus had been unsure about returning to practice, but in the end, come Monday afternoon, he had asked Justin to take him. At the practice Justin had sat with his sketch pad and worked as he did each day, occasionally watching the kids on the field. This time though, for the first time, Justin was included in some casual conversation with a few of the moms who were there with their own sons. They expressed to him their abhorrence regarding what had happened at the game, and their support for Justin and Brian’s relationship.

Justin had to laugh, glad Brian hadn’t been there to hear – he surely would have rolled his eyes so hard they might have rolled right out of his head. He had to believe the sincerity of the women though, because to their credit other boys on the team didn’t seem to be treating Gus any differently and by the end of the practice he was all smiles.

As the week progressed, Gus seemed to grow happier still. He smiled more, and laughed at Brian’s sarcastic remarks, and even joined in when Brian started teasing Justin one night about his taste in bad pop music.

Now they were on the eve of another game and suddenly Gus’s mood was tempered.

“I heard them talking,” Gus started, stirring his Captain Crunch cereal and avoiding Justin’s look, “he said something about giving me up.”

“Who was talking? Your dad?”

Gus nodded, still staring at his bowl of cereal

“Well, I think you probably need to ask him,” Justin said carefully.

Gus looked at him with a condescending expression and for a moment Justin thought he was looking at Brian; he suppressed a smile.

“I’m not a kid anymore. I’ll be twelve soon, and in sixth grade. I can handle it,” he replied matter-of-factly.

“I know you’re not a kid anymore,” Justin said, smiling. He leaned forward on the breakfast bar, “but that’s a question for your dad.”

“Whatever,” Gus sighed. Shrugging his shoulders he abandoned his unfinished cereal and skulked out of the kitchen. After a few minutes, Justin picked up the phone to call Brian. He didn’t answer, probably in a meeting. Justin left a casual message and made a mental note to mention Gus’s question to Brian when he got home.

A few hours later, Justin wandered into the large room that he and Brian had remodeled into an art studio to find Gus sitting by the large picture window, sketching.

 

Their house sat on a high knoll, above all the others in the neighborhood. They had ten acres, and almost half of that was wooded, a small creek running through the back end of the acreage. The windows they’d installed along the entire back wall of the art studio looked out over the back acres, affording panoramic views of the rolling hills that stretched out behind them.

 

Justin watched Gus from the doorway for several minutes, recognizing the faraway look in his eyes as his hand moved across the paper. He was lost in his drawing – a look and feel Justin knew well.

 

When Justin had moved back to Pittsburgh permanently, he’d maintained contact with his New York art scene friends. He would occasionally travel there for shows, and he had a permanent exhibit in a particularly prestigious gallery in Manhattan as well as a small exhibit in a local Pittsburgh gallery. But he was still restless; creating more art than what he could ever hope to display or sell with those two small outlets. It had been Brian’s idea for Justin to open his own gallery in downtown Pittsburgh. A few months ago they’d finally held the official Grand Opening, and Justin had even sold a few pieces. He hired Emilie to manage the gallery, and even offered her a small space to show anything she might be working on herself. They weren’t making much money off the gallery, but Brian was insistent it didn’t matter – Kinnetik was an unmitigated success and with the income from the agency they were more than able to afford living expenses.

 

Justin didn’t want to be “kept”, though, and while he made quite a good amount of cash from sales of his work in New York, he really wanted the Pittsburgh gallery to be solvent on its own. Watching Gus draw he suddenly had an idea, a way to hopefully draw in some new costumers and possibly drum up some business.

 

“Can I see what you’re working on?” Justin moved into the room, smiling as Gus turned to him.

 

Without answering, Gus simply held up the sketch pad. On the page was a fairly exquisite drawing of the backyard scene, the copse of trees at the edge of the lawn. At the foreground of that was a doe and fawn. Justin glanced out the window, not seeing any deer.

 

“That’s really fantastic,” he breathed, leaning in to examine the lines, seeing life emanating from behind the eyes of the deer. He was in awe of how talented this kid was for his age. Nearly a prodigy. It shouldn’t surprise him; a child of Lindsay and Brian, two very smart and talented people on their own. It was no wonder Gus was so successful at everything he did.

 

“Do you have other sketches?” Justin asked and Gus handed him the entire sketch pad. The whole thing was filled with various drawings ranging from portraits of Brian and Justin, bowls of fruit, and more nature scenes. Justin couldn’t help but be reminded of his younger self sketching away every day. He was never this good, though, even before the bashing he wasn’t this good.

 

“You’re better than I ever was at using the pencil,” Justin said quietly, smiling at Gus as he handed him the sketch pad.

 

“Really?” Gus smiled shyly.

 

“Definitely. I hope you keep drawing,” Justin laid a hand on Gus’s shoulder.

 

“I -,” Gus started but after a furtive glance at Justin he just shook his head and looked away.

 

“What?” Justin pressed gently.

 

“I…I kind of thought maybe I could go into animation…maybe. I don’t know,” Gus said shrugging his shoulders and avoiding Justin’s eyes.

 

“You _can_ do it,” Justin encouraged, “you can do anything you want it. Just ask your dad.”

 

Gus laughed and Justin smiled.

 

“I have an idea,” Justin added.

 

**GUS**

The next two weeks were a blur of activity for Gus, and it was all exciting and fun. When he wasn’t at soccer practice he was drawing – both creating new sketches and perfecting older ones. Justin was going to let Gus have an entire wall at his gallery to display his drawings. Gus was going to have his first official art show. They scheduled the show for the last Friday in July – before Gus was scheduled to go back to Toronto. That gave him three more weeks to put together enough drawings to show. He already had a lot done, but not many of what he had would he want to display or sell.

Justin even offered to drive Gus around to various locations if he wanted different scenes and subjects to draw. His dad also offered to take Gus to Kinnetik if he wanted to work at a real drafting table for a few days.

On one afternoon, when Justin brought Gus with him into Pittsburgh to hang at the gallery and meet his dad for lunch, Gus was approached by an older man as they sat at a sidewalk café. They’d finished eating and were just enjoying the summer sun while Gus sketched the Pittsburgh skyline that was visible from their location.

Gus didn’t notice the man pass by him, but when he stopped at his side and leaned over his shoulder to look at what he was working on Gus stopped drawing.

“Can I help you?” His dad said, non-to-friendly.

“This is amazing work,” the older man grinned.

“You’re really talented young man,” he stood and smiled. Gus could see his dad and Justin watching the man suspiciously.

“You should consider a career in art,” he smiled at Gus, “and if you do I hope you’ll consider PIFA.”

Gus smiled shyly as the older man offered him his business card before walking away.

“Give me that,” Justin reached over the table and grabbed the card, making a face as he read it. “I knew it. It’s that fucking asshole who suspended me after Stockwell.”

“What’s a stockwell?” Gus asked, watching his dad and Justin share a mysterious look.

“Doesn’t matter,” his dad grinned. Gus watched them for another few seconds before returning to his drawing.

Later that night, after his dad and Justin were in bed, Gus snuck down to his dad’s computer. He was curious about the scene at lunch. When Google came up Gus typed in Stockwell and Pittsburgh. The first few links were to articles about some political campaign and Gus saw his dad’s name mentioned in some of the articles, too. The links that followed those traced the apparent downfall of the once mighty. After he lost the election he was indicted and then convicted of covering up the murder of a gay man. Gus wondered what that meant for his dad. The fact that he knew this guy and had worked for him didn’t make sense to Gus. This Stockwell guy hated gay people. Gus didn’t understand a lot of what the different websites talked about – but he knew enough to know that it wasn’t good.

Gus’s curiosity about his dad peaked after learning about Stockwell and he wished he could ask him about it. He knew his dad well enough to know that he wouldn’t answer him if he did so he simply stewed over it. But finding out about Stockwell made Gus curious about what else his dad might be hiding and so when he wasn’t at soccer practice or drawing he was wandering around the large house, looking at everything, trying to get an idea of the life his dad had lived up to that point. Finally, one afternoon when Justin went to town for more art supplies, Gus took the opportunity to do a little more snooping in places he likely shouldn’t be looking.

He entered his dad and Justin’s room – taking in the starkness of it. The entire house was very clean, and sparsely furnished and decorated. The only rooms that really showed much personality or living-in were the kitchen, the living room, and the art studio. Gus figured that was due to Justin.

Looking around the room Gus noticed an 8x10 photo atop the chest of drawers that showed his dad holding him as a newborn. Gus had never seen that photo before – but it made him feel good that it was a centerpiece in his dad’s room considering there were no other photos around the rest of the house, except once again, in Justin’s art studio.

The rest of the dresser top was empty save a small wood box. When Gus opened it he saw a few pieces of jewelry, including a large metal ring. Not interested in his dad and Justin’s jewelry he closed the lid and moved to the walk-in closet. He immediately recognized which side was his dad’s and which side was Justin’s.

Justin’s half of the closet had a lot of casual clothes; sweaters and knit tops, cargo pants and many pairs of jeans. His dad’s half was 90% suits, Armani suits at that. In the small part of the closet that wasn’t suits were hanging a variety of black and grey shirts, mostly button down but there were a few tees, too.

The shelves above his dad’s clothes were empty, save two shoe boxes. Standing on his tiptoes, Gus could just reach them. Taking down the first one he could tell just by its weight that is was shoes. He set it aside. Reaching up for the second one he immediately recognized the sound of loose items.

Sitting on the floor of the closet, he opened the lid and examined the contents. On top was a matching striped knit hat and sweater. They were tiny and Gus assumed they were his from when he was a baby. Beneath the knit items was a bracelet of sea-shells. Gus picked it up and examined it closely. It was really cool and a small part of Gus wanted to keep it. The bottom of the box was littered with several photographs; mostly of Brian with Gus but there were a few of Justin with Gus, and one old, small, faded square photo of an older looking man holding a baby that eerily resembled Gus. He knew it wasn’t him though because the picture was really old. He turned it over but there was nothing written on the back.

Was this his dad as a baby?

Mixed with the photos was a large, glossy black card advertising a Rage party. Gus knew a little about the comic book that Justin and his uncle Michael worked on but his moms wouldn’t let him read it. A few years ago when he’d visited his dad he’d seen the large frame of Rage cover art hanging in Justin’s studio. When he’d told his moms about it they had gone crazy, calling his dad and yelling at him for it. Gus hadn’t seen it again since then.

Putting everything back, Gus pocketed one of the pictures of his dad and him, before returning the boxes to their former location. By the time Justin returned from the store Gus was back on the sofa with his Nintendo DS looking as if he’d not moved.

**BRIAN**

Brian placed the phone back in its base on the table next to him and was silent. He thought he probably should feel something, but honestly he was completely indifferent to the news he’d just received, and that actually scared him more than the news itself.

“What’s going on?” Justin was lying on the sofa, reading one of his many art magazines, his legs draped across Brian’s lap. Brian had been gently massaging his calves while they watched some PBS special about New York City architecture.

Brian shook his head, looking to Justin who had his magazine resting on his chest. His brow was furrowed with concern.

“I -,” Brian paused before he started laughing maniacally.

“Brian?” Justin swung his legs to the floor and shifted so he was next to Brian. His hand went to Brian’s head and Brian could feel his fingers gently massaging his scalp.

“My mother is in the hospital and wishes to see me,” Brian finally blurted, “Gus too.”

 Justin simply nodded.

Brian met his husband’s eyes and opened his mouth in exasperation. After everything his family had done, had assumed of him, had said to him, they still expected him to come running. It was total and complete bullshit.

“What do you want to do?” Justin asked and Brian shrugged. He honestly had no idea.

“According to my dear sister, she’s in renal failure,” Brian snorted laughter once more, “all those years of drinking, catching up to her.”

Justin was quiet, but his fingers still wound their way in his hair, providing a calming touch for Brian. It was completely ridiculous. That last time he’d seen his mother she’d told him that God had given him cancer as punishment. Not to mention the last time he’d talked to his sister, when she’d accused him of molesting her fucking spawn.

Was it fair for Brian to keep Joan from seeing Gus simply because he was completely indifferent to her? He had no desire to ever see her again – in fact he hadn’t even thought of her in years. But too, she’d never made a single attempt to try and see Gus before now…so why should he put his kid through that trauma? Just so she could feel better about being a terrible mother?

“Shit,” he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want too,” Justin said softly.

“I never do,” Brian replied dryly.

“I know,” Justin laughed, “what I mean is, just because Claire or your mother want you to come simply because she’s dying is not reason too. And to ask that of Gus…well…it’s shitty.”

“Yeah, well, no one ever accused the Kinney’s of being a loving family,” Brian said softly, feeling a headache coming on.

Brian felt the sofa cushion shift as Justin moved to sit behind him, wrapping his arms tight around his chest and resting his chin on Brian’s shoulder.

“Stop,” Justin whispered, his breath stimulating the tiny hairs on Brian’s neck.

“I only speak the truth,” Brian replied.

“No you don’t. Not for you,” Justin placed warm, soft kisses along Brian’s neck and shoulders, “you’re the exception; the gem hidden among the burning rubble of the Kinney family.”

Brian smiled, closing his eyes and letting Justin kiss away the dark clouds of his family legacy. It was a pattern of behavior he was desperate to break, and one he simply decided in that moment that he’d never expose Gus too, no matter who was asking or who was dying.

**JUSTIN**

It was mid-July when Brian got the call that his mom had died. Two weeks after getting the call that she wanted to see him, he got the call that she’d passed. Justin hadn’t been there when it had come. Claire had called Brian at work to tell him and so Justin didn’t know until Brian came home and blurted it out.

“I’m sor-,” Justin started but clamped his lips shut as Brian held up his hand.

“Yeah. I forgot. Sorry’s bullshit,” Justin said instead, wrapping his arms around Brian and squeezing him tight. Brian’s long arms wrapped around Justin in return and they held each other for nearly a minute. Justin could hear the strong heart beat of his husband, steady and strong, reliant, like Brian.

“What’s going on?” Gus’s voice is what broke them apart.

“Your grandmother died today,” Brian said bluntly, keeping one arm around Justin. Gus stood in the doorway of the living room, Brian and Justin in the entryway; Brian’s briefcase was still at his feet.

“Oh,” Gus said and Justin saw his face cloud. “I didn’t know her.”

“Count yourself lucky,” Brian said bitterly, picking up his briefcase and going to the kitchen. Justin followed him, watching as he pulled the bottle of vodka from the freezer and poured a small amount into a tumbler.

“Why didn’t I know her?” Gus came into the kitchen behind them, his expression betraying his slowly fading innocence and Justin felt bad for the kid. For all the wonderful non-blood-relation family he had with Debbie and Carl, Jennifer, and all their friends, he really got the shaft in the blood-relative department. None of his grandparents gave a crap about him.

“Because she hated me for being a fag,” Brian poured more vodka, “she told me more than once that I’m going to hell.”

“Brian, stop,” Justin took the vodka from him and put it back in the freezer, keeping one eye on Gus who was watching his dad with deep concern. Justin had never heard Brian talk this way in front of Gus and it startled him. He could only imagine how it confused Gus to see him acting this way.

“I’m sure she’s up in heaven, sitting right next to God and praying for my depraved soul as we speak!” Brian yelled, looking up to the sky.

“Cheers, Joan,” Brain raised his glass in a mock toast before downing the contents.

“Dad?” Gus’s voice was soft and he looked scared. Justin’s heart went out to him.

“Joan and Jack Kinney – fucking parents of the year,” Brian scoffed, his eyes slightly glazed and Justin wondered if Brian had eaten any food today. The vodka appeared to be affecting him quite quickly, “I don’t know why they ever had kids.”

“What a joke,” Brain ran his hands through his hair, causing it to stick up wildly. He looked at Justin then and in his eyes Justin could see the years of pain caused by the frigid and unloving home he’d had. It was a miracle Brian became even half the man he was, growing up in that home like he did. Justin supposed he owed most of the positive influence to Debbie, Vic, and Michael. He promised himself to give Debbie a big hug and thank you for that, next time he saw her.

It really was no wonder it took almost five years for Brian to tell Justin he loved him, and for Brian to accept that he was worthy to acknowledge those feelings, let alone accept them willingly from someone else.

Justin looked at Gus. He remembered when Jack had passed, how messed up Brian had been; Justin didn’t want Gus’s final weeks with them to be tainted by Brian’s fucked up family and his emotional response to Joan’s passing. But he couldn’t control the timing of the events, and he couldn’t tell Brian how to deal with his sorrow, or anger, or whatever he was feeling.

“Make sure you’re worthy of your children, Gus,” Brian leaned back heavily against the countertop.

“Not like Jack and Joan, and not like me,” he said softly and Justin’s heart broke.

“Brian,” Justin reached out to Brian but he just shook his head and grabbing the vodka from the freezer, walked out of the kitchen.

Justin watched him go, fighting back tears. When he was gone, Justin looked to Gus. The boy looked terrified and Justin couldn’t blame him. He was certain he’d never seen his father act like that before; it had to be hard to understand.

“Let’s go for a walk,” Justin motioned for Gus to follow him. They headed out the back of the house, walking down the gently sloping lawn at a leisurely pace. They didn’t talk for a long time, just enjoying the peace and serenity of the quiet country around them. Justin watched Gus out of the corner of his eye – he seemed upset still.

“Want to talk about it?” Justin asked, stopping in the shade of the trees near the back of the property.

“Why does dad hate his parents?” Gus asked finally.

“Your dad didn’t have a very fun childhood,” Justin said, glancing towards the house. He thought he saw movement at the window of their bedroom, but he couldn’t be sure.

“His dad was a mean drunk. He would hit your dad. And tell him awful things like he didn’t want him and that he hated being a father,” Justin added.

“Oh,” was all Gus said.

“Your dad never felt like he was worthy to be loved, or good enough to be loved,” Justin added.

“But I love him. And you love him,” Gus said uncertainly.

“Yes,” Justin nodded looking to the house once more, “I love him more than anything.”

“My mom loves him,” Gus continued and Justin smiled.

“A lot of people love him,” Justin agreed, “but your dad never thought he deserved it; or you.”

“Is that why he gave me up? Because he didn’t think he could be a good dad?” Gus asked and Justin smiled at the wisdom the kid possessed.

“That was part of it,” Justin replied, “it was also part of the agreement he had made with your mom. That your mom and Melanie would be your parents, legally. But even though he gave you to them, he is still your dad and he loves you more than anyone.”

Gus was quiet and Justin worried he might have said too much.

“Maybe I should tell him I love him more often,” Gus said finally and in that moment Justin saw only Lindsay in him.

“I think he’d like that,” Justin smiled, promising himself he’d try to convince Brian to also say those same words to his son. It was always implied but never stated, and Justin knew better than anyone that even if you _know_ you’re loved, it always feels good to be told. It was food for the soul, and Gus looked like he needed some nourishment.

Justin and Gus ate dinner without Brian, and when Justin finally went up to their room he found Brian passed out on the bed; the vodka bottle was empty on the nightstand beside him.

Justin watched his breath, the steady movement of his chest. He still saw the pain in Brian’s expression – even in sleep. Climbing into bed, Justin curled up behind Brian, wrapping his arms tight around him and laying soft kisses on his exposed neck.

“I love you so much,” Justin whispered, and he smiled slightly as Brian noticeably relaxed and snuggled deeper into Justin’s embrace.

 

**GUS**

 

"Christ, didn't your mothers teach you anything?”

 

Gus exchanged an amused if not confused look with Justin as his dad stared at them both. Wordlessly, he moved across the room towards them and with the quirk of an eyebrow, he pulled Gus’s tie loose and popping his collar he draped it once more around his neck.

 

“Just so you know, before you go back home with your mothers, you're going to learn how to tie a fucking tie."

 

"Brian," Justin groaned.

 

"What?" His eyes batted innocently at Justin. Gus smirked as his dad flawlessly tied up the knot at his throat.

 

"Language?" Justin sighed. Finished with Gus, his dad moved to Justin next and began retying his tie.

 

“What are you-,” Justin started but was silenced with a kiss.

 

“You too. You still can’t tie a tie worth shit,” his dad whispered, lips not an inch from Justin’s.

 

Gus watched them together, fascinated. His dad stared intently at his hands as they swiftly did up the knot, while Justin just stared at him, a soft smile playing on his lips. The way Justin looked at his dad, with complete and total love in his expression…it was like how he would catch him moms looking at each other sometimes.

 

"It’s okay. Ma says worse," Gus blurted out, seeming to startle the two men and they both turned to look at him, having seemed to forget he was there.

 

"Yeah well Melanie always had a filthy mouth," his dad quirked his eyebrow and Justin laughed.

 

Gus grinned along with them, enjoying being a part of the joke.

 

It was Gus’s big night. The unveiling of his drawings at Justin’s gallery and his final weekend with his dad and Justin. It was bittersweet. A part of Gus was looking forward to getting back to Toronto and getting ready for sixth grade, but a large part of him would miss hanging out with his dad and Justin.

 

His moms were flying in later tonight and on Sunday they’d all be leaving together. It really felt like just a few days since Gus had arrived and now, in just a few days, he’d be leaving again.

 

“Shall we go?” his dad said, looking over Gus and Justin with an approving eye.

 

His dad had been advertising the show as an “emerging artist” showcase. There had been posters up all over Pittsburgh; not just downtown, but everywhere. A small part of Gus was afraid no one would actually show up but when they’d pulled up to the valet Gus could see what seemed like hundreds of people inside the gallery already.

 

“Whoa,” he said as his dad put the car into park before he turned and smiled at Gus.

 

The three of them got out of the Mercedes Sedan that Justin usually drove and as they walked into the gallery Gus was taken aback by all the people. He didn’t even know most of them yet they were there to see his drawings…well, probably Justin’s stuff too.

 

“Hi sweetie!” Emmett came running up to them, giving Justin and his dad cheek kisses before beaming at Gus.

 

“What do you think?” He held his hands up and gestured around him.

 

“It’s great,” Gus smiled. He didn’t know what constituted a great party from a not great party but from what he could see everyone was having fun, talking, eating and drinking.

 

“It is, isn’t it,” Emmett grinned, “drinks over here and there are waiters with hors d’oeuvres circulating. Mingle, mingle!” He shuffled off, grinning.

 

Gus laughed. Throughout the night he was stopped several times by everyone, and he had to talk Grandma Debbie and Grandma Jennifer both down from trying to buy all of his drawings.

 

In the end, the night was a success. Gus sold a few of his drawings, mostly to family members and friends, but also a few to people he didn’t know. It was all very exciting – even if his mom told him he had to put the money in the bank for college.

 

When his moms had arrived a little while later the first thing out of Gus’s mouth after hello was to tell them that he wanted to go to art school. He saw the look that passed between his mom and his dad…they both looked happy.

 

After the party, the rest of the weekend was spent cleaning up his room at his dad’s, and packing his stuff to go back to Toronto. His moms took J.R. around to visit Debbie and Michael, leaving Gus at his dad’s for one more day and night.

 

“Got everything packed Sonny-boy?”

 

Gus, his suitcase open on his bed and overflowing, looked up to see his dad standing in the doorway.

 

“I think so,” he shrugged.

 

His dad walked in and looked around. Gus had decorated his walls with some classic rock posters (Zeppelin was his favorite) as well as a Van Gogh print and a Warhol print.

 

“Too bad you’ll miss the rematch with that little asshole’s team,” his dad said as he saw the soccer ball sitting in front of the open closet.

 

“Yeah,” Gus shrugged again, “it’s okay. I hear they’re playing bad this season anyway.”

 

His dad just nodded, pulling his teeth into his mouth in that way that Gus knew meant he had something important and emotional to say. Knowing that he couldn’t hurry up his dad when he had these moments, Gus went back to trying to pack. He wasn’t bothering to fold his clothes, which he knew was why all his clothes wouldn’t. Focusing on trying to smash his wadded up clothes into the large bag, he jumped when his dad spoke again.

 

“I’m glad you came,” he said. Gus looked up at him, watching him cross to the other side of the bed where he started pulling out all of Gus’s clothes.

 

“You’ve got to fold these if you want them to fit,” he said with a smirk and a quirked eyebrow. Gus grinned – he loved it when his dad looked at him like that.

 

“Maybe next summer you can visit longer than one week?” his dad was looking down at the shirt he was folding when he asked.

 

“Yeah,” Gus replied with a smile. “I had fun, dad.”

 

He looked up at Gus then, a genuine smile on his face. They looked at each other for a moment longer before Gus found himself with a facefull of shirt.

 

“Start folding,” his dad laughed, “I’m not your maid.”

 

Laughing, together they folded and packed up Gus’s suitcase.

 

**BRIAN**

 

Today sucked. And not in a good way.

 

Gus was leaving. In a few minutes Lindsay and Melanie would be here to get him, and he’d be gone; back to Toronto.

 

Friday at the art show for Gus he couldn’t have been more proud. His Sonny-boy and his Sunshine were both talented artists and both worthy of every ounce of adoration from the masses. Brian had wandered the gallery occasionally with Justin, occasionally with Gus, and occasionally alone just listening to what everyone was saying about his two talented boys. His heart swelled with all the praises both his boys were getting.

 

He also talked to Lindsay, filling her in on a few more of the details of Gus’s stay. Brian felt confident that Gus’s moods would soon even out; he told Lindsay to be patient, and to be kind. He also told her that he wanted Gus to visit for longer than a week the following summer. The way she smiled at his request made him feel exposed and emotionally naked, but she promised he could stay as long as he wanted too when he next came to visit.

 

Saturday Brian wandered the house, thinking about the past two months. Justin was working; painting. It was how he dealt with the approaching emotional loss. The house would seem so much larger and emptier with Gus gone and Brian felt sick thinking about it.

 

When he’d gone to help Gus pack he’d nearly cried at the sight of him, still so much a little boy; his little boy. The three of them, Brian, Justin and Gus, had grilled out that night, playing in the swimming pool and generally having a great time. Brian couldn’t remember when he’d laughed so much.

 

Now Gus was about leave.

 

Brian heard a car pull up outside just as he heard Gus grunting with effort as he attempted to haul the larger of his two suitcases down the stairs. Brian went up to help him, hauling the larger bag down while Gus came behind him with his backpack and the smaller suitcase.

 

Moments later Brian heard Justin’s padded footfalls come down the stairs, too. Looking at him he grinned. Justin had smudges of red and yellow paint on his forehead, and his hands were so covered it seemed almost as if he were wearing multicolored gloves.

 

Brian, wearing jeans and a black tank top, pulled Justin to his side. He needed the physical contact or he would melt to the floor in a puddle of emotions. This was so much harder than he thought. He watched as Gus opened the door to the women, J.R. dashing in right behind them.

 

“So are you all ready?” Melanie asked, giving Brian a furtive glance before grabbing the two suitcases and strong arming them out to the car, J.R. trying to assist. Brian didn’t bother offering to help – he knew she didn’t want it and she wouldn’t appreciate the offer.

 

“Bye, Dad,” Gus turned to him and Brian was unprepared to see his son’s eyes shiny and wet with tears.

 

“Hey,” Brian wrapped his arms around him tight, “I’ll see you soon. I’m coming up for your birthday; Justin too.”

 

Gus nodded against his chest and Brian felt his breath hitch in his throat.

 

“I love you,” Gus said, his voice muffled in Brian’s shirt.

 

Brian pressed his lips to the crown of Gus’s head, feeling his eyes start to sting with tears. He was afraid to speak, afraid he’d lose it. But he needed to speak, he needed to say it…

 

“I love you too, Sonny-boy,” Brian whispered, glancing up at Lindsay and seeing a tear slip from her eye.

 

Gus pulled away then, avoiding Brian’s gaze and sniffling loudly. He walked over to Justin and gave him a hug.

 

“I love you, too,” Gus said, his voice a little stronger now but still thick with emotion.

 

“I love you,” Justin said, smiling at Brian over Gus’s shoulder as he hugged him. Brian felt pain tearing at his chest. This was worse than he’d ever expected.

 

“We’re all set,” Melanie said, coming back in the door and glancing once more at Brian. Her expression was slightly softer now.

 

“You’re a wonderful father,” Lindsay now was hugging Brian, her voice whispering in his ear. Brian nodded in response, smiling at her as she pulled back.

 

“See you in a few months, Sonny-boy,” Brian smiled once more at Gus as he started out the door with the women.

 

“’kay,” he said, pausing at the car to stare at Brian and Justin. Brian felt Justin wrap his arm around his waist and Brian was thankful for his grounding presence; and his love. If not for Justin in his life, Brian really wasn’t sure he’d be having these feelings or even know his son as he did. Brian reached his arm around Justin’s shoulder and pulled his Sunshine to him, kissing his cheek and resting his head on Justin’s head.

 

As the car drove off Brian felt a profound sense of loss. It was odd – because while he always missed Gus when he wasn’t with him somehow this time felt different. This time Brian wished Gus were staying. This time Brian wished Gus were his.

 

It wasn’t something he’d ever wished for, before.


	18. It's Only Time

**_September 2012_ **

_“It doesn’t matter, it’s only time.”_

How true those words were. Twelve years ago Brian was a different man; a carefree 29-year-old who spent his nights out drinking, drugging, and fucking. Now, twelve years later, he was a 41-year-old married man with a son about to turn twelve, and his partner a man twelve years his junior. The amount of significance to the number twelve had Brian shaking his head.

The date wasn’t significant only because of Gus’s birthday, but also because it was the “anniversary” of the night Brain met Justin. That night, in the two most important ways, was the most transformative of Brian’s entire life. The two people he loved most in the world came to him that night, and he would never let either of them go.

Brain recalled Justin telling him once that he was the most mature person Brian knew. He wasn't wrong then, and sometimes Brian thought it was still true. Justin had gone through a lot, and while Brian liked to take credit for helping shape him into the best homosexual he could possibly be, he also recognized that it would have happened anyway. Justin would have been destined for greatness with or without Brian’s influence. Things might have progressed slower, and probably easier, for him if Brian hadn’t been involved, but even given all that, Brian would never give up those years painful as they were. He knew Justin wouldn’t either because while Justin might have grown to become a person much like he was now, he wouldn’t be _the same_ Justin that he was. The Justin that Brian loved. Brian was not one to think about the past, or to wonder, _what if?_ But just recently he had given that some thought. What if he hadn’t picked up Justin outside Babylon that night? Would he have simply found him some other night at Babylon or Woody’s? And if Brian hadn’t been Justin’s first, would Justin have persisted in his pursuit of him? Or would they have simply fucked and parted never to see each other again?

Not that it mattered, really. Brian had Justin now, and he would forever. They’d made promises to each other and in front of everyone they knew; and Brian kept his promises.

Everything Justin had gone through that first year Brian knew him gave Justin the aura of someone far older than his age in years would indicate. In fact many times over the years Brian forgot Justin was so young. And sometimes he forgot he was so much older. Occasionally he’d remember what he’d said to Mikey on the hospital roof the night Gus was born; that his son was a ticking clock marking the passage of time. It was true – but now Brian didn’t think of it as the end of the world, like he had when he was 29 and basically pretty damn clueless about life and love.

And he loved his son, every day more than the one before. It was a shock and a wonder. He cherished their time together now but sometimes found himself lamenting having missed the first few years when he'd been a baby – and had lived in the same country. Brian had wasted so much time back then; he hadn't been ready to be a father.

To be fair, though, Lindsay had never asked him to be a proper father, but once Gus was born and once Brian held him he'd fallen in love and he found he kind of wanted to be a father…when it was convenient and when he had the time. He had never made it a priority in those early years and now he was realizing what it was he’d missed out on. 

It was slow to come and he was many, many years behind his friends, but Brian was finally, really, truly growing up and as such, he started feeling legitimate and true regrets. It pissed him off, too, because Brian was all about no excuses, no apologies and no regrets, yet he found himself stewing over something that was becoming a real regret. He thought about it so much it actually caused him pain. He actually felt compelled to call the munchers, to call Gus, and apologize for not being there from the very start. He didn’t, but he wanted too so many times. He allowed himself to feel this way because he realized it was valid. He had a right, and many would probably argue an obligation, to feel guilty about his apparent apathy when Gus was little.  He didn’t want to make the same mistake again…

His life was so different now than it had been when Gus was a baby. Brian had Justin, together they had a home and now, every time they had to send Gus back to Toronto, his heart broke. The home they shared was full of life, and love, but empty of a child’s laughter. When Gus would let loose, his giggles would echo throughout the halls and Brian adored the sound. He wanted more of it. And it wasn't that he wanted to replace Gus either, but he did feel like maybe he wanted to raise a child with Justin. Maybe he was ready to potentially take that step. It had been on his mind for a long time, years even.  And the idea of it scared the shit out of him.

The day he finally acknowledged the feelings and decided to take action was the day they'd said goodbye to Gus back after his two month summer visit. Watching Gus leave, not knowing exactly when he’d see him again had hurt so much. And again, Brian didn’t want to replace Gus but he did realize that maybe having children wasn’t as evil incarnate as he’d always thought. His mind swam with visions of babies; children; an adorable blond haired blue eyed girl or boy, or maybe a dark haired dark eyes girl or boy. He even fucking dreamed about them. And to Brian, that was the final sign that he needed to talk to Justin.

* * *

“Hey,” Brian came into their bedroom. He’d been wandering the house, trying to figure out how to tell Justin what he needed to tell him. It was a delicate situation. Justin had always wanted a family and for Brian, broaching the subject was something he approached with some caution.

Justin was packing his suitcase still, while Brian’s suitcase sat ready to go by the bedroom door. They were leaving in the morning for a long weekend in Toronto for Gus’s birthday and then they were jetting off to Greece for two weeks, for their “anniversary”.  

“So I think this might be the last trip we can take for a little while,” Brian sat down on the end of the bed and watched as Justin pulled every item of white, tan, or beige clothing he owned out of the closet and proceeded to fold it into his suitcase. He threw Brian a confused look.

“Why? I thought Kinnetik was doing awesome,” he said, pulling out of the dresser all his shorts and the several pairs of linen pants Brian had insisted they buy last year. They’d never been worn, but the trip to Greece had been in the works since that time and Brian knew they would be worn eventually. Justin had given him an odd look when Brian had insisted they each buy several pairs, but he hadn’t argued. He never put up much of a fight when Brian offered to buy him nice clothes.

“Oh. It is,” Brian assented, enjoying watching Justin’s hands as they worked to perfectly fold each item. No matter that in all the handling the suitcase would get the clothes were destined to become jumbled and wrinkled anyway. Brian bit his lips to keep from laughing.

“So why can’t we travel anymore?” Justin said casually, pulling his swim trunks and his speedo from the dresser and tossing both into the bag. Brian remembered when he’d brought the Speedos home last week. Justin’s eyes had bulged out of his head when Brian had suggested they wear them. His adamant refusal to do so had held strong until he saw Brian in his. But before Brian would let Justin touch him, he made him put the other one on. Then they’d made love in the pool. Several times. Raw.

They’d been going without condoms for a few months now. It was ridiculously hot, and Brian had never known he could possibly feel more than he already did when he was with Justin; but the sex was even more incredible than before and with all the new sensations they each were feeling they took their time now. Sure, they’d occasionally do it fast and hard like old times, but more often than not they savored it – let the sensual closeness linger. Brian got hard just thinking about it.

“I didn’t say _can’t_ ,” Brian said and Justin rolled his eyes.

“God,” he shook his head, “you and your ‘can’t’ and ‘won’t’.”

Justin disappeared into the bathroom and reemerged with his travel shaving kit.

“Okay, I’ll bite. Why _won’t_ we be able to travel?”

Brian watched him for several minutes as he rearranged the suitcase, evening out the layers of clothing before he stacked several blank sketch pads and a few small, stretched canvases. He then laid the last bit of clothing in and around the canvases to protect them. He’d never flown with canvases already stretched and though Brian said they could buy some once they got to Greece Justin was insistent on taking his own.

“Well?” Justin leveled his gaze at Brian.

“Well,” Brain stood, moving to stand behind Justin, wrapping his arms around his torso and nibbling at his neck, “we might be busy with a baby.”

Justin stopped mid motion, and Brian buried his face in Justin’s neck, pulling the smaller man tightly to him.  

“Brian,” his voice was soft and cautious.

“Justin,” Brian retorted just as softly, but with encouragement.

“Are you saying you want to have a baby?” Justin turned to Brian and raised his eyebrows with a slight smile on his face. Brian felt a stab at his heart. God, he was beautiful. Even in sweats and a paint-stained tee and with a dopey grin on his face.

“I’m saying I’m willing to talk about the possibility,” Brian murmured, softly pressing his lips to Justin’s, feeling the other man’s smile against his lips as his arms went around his neck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”_

**_~Bob Marley_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter. Thank you for reading!


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